33 and up to me

33 and up to me.

Every birthday I come up with a catchy rhyme for my age and this was what I chose.

Gods been speaking to me a lot about my choices and perspective. Life is made up of a billion small choices that lead to large choices.

The reality is- I used to love blogging because I felt like I had these “prophetic swirls” where I reached this deep understanding and I used the blog to preach to others and solidify the idea in my mind.

I set out, at least my intention was to do that very thing with choice. This year will be a year where I will only do what I want to do and nothing else. I’ll finally make decisions that I’m happy with and not make decisions to please others or to play it safe.

But, in delaying this post, I think I’ve become more curious about even this decision to write this post. The very words I am contemplating seem to hang in midair.

I struggle with making choices because I’m afraid of making the wrong ones. 

In the book Compassion and Self Hate Dr. Theodore Rubin explores why this is in a chapter that should be labeled "mantras of the self compassionate."  This section was titled with the words: "I need, I want I choose" and begins so: "My needs must be taken with seriousness if I take myself seriously." 

He goes on to say, "I never abdicate the chance to tune in on myself and my needs in favor of glorious martyrdom or in futile gestures of self-destructive sacrifice...I refuse to blind myself to any desire, to feel less than or more than human about any desire, to allow any desire to be a source of embarrassment to me or to reject it." Essentially, he is asking the question, are you making a choice out of your own desire or because you think you want it because it further feeds self hatred?

He talks about his patients and how they will stop at nothing to avoid making a choice.  "Their last ditch effort is to get someone else to make a choice for them. They're trying to ward off self hate, because they know about self-hate following choices made in the past." I've experienced myself doing this so I can relate.

He is trying to connect these two ideas.  The things we want and fear to decide and how we delay those decisions because we think we will make a mistake.  

"It means that I find my presence and myself to be a nuisance, an intruder and a stranger on the scene and that my actions and inactions are designed to ignore or even to obliterate evidence of my presence." I never thought about it but it sort of makes sense.  If I am constantly denying my needs or desires in favor of others then I am saying that I don't matter.

I am attending a church that also wants to explore what's underneath our actions and words.  Our pastor asked a question about the motivations behind this prayer in the midst of difficulty: "God, what do you want me to learn." He said he realized he prayed it so that he can learn it and not suffer again. His desire was control rather than surrender.

I feel a parallel reality happening in my own thoughts. the same with this.  If I have to justify why I want to do something to myself and others, then I must not take my desires very seriously. If I constantly feel embarrassed about my feelings then I must not take myself and my humans very seriously.

Coming back to my mantra, I guess what I’m saying is I want to make choices without the intense anxiety every time. I want to say, “here’s what I’m doing because that's what I want!” And not feel like I’m totally failing each time. I’ve worked through this a bit in therapy but I need more than just coping mechanisms to change. I need a deep reassurance that what I do isn’t life or death. That in fact, so called mistakes, can create beauty.

I also want to recognize and memorialize the 10 years I’ve been in New York. I’ve made a lot of decisions. I’ve worked really hard to prove to myself that I am worthy to be in this city. I’ve spent a lot of years sowing my time into church ministries. I’ve lost myself and found myself again. I’ve been broken and restored. Every year I thank New York in some short and sweet way. But 10 years feels big and felt like I should dedicate some time to think about how I've grown since being here.

When I was in KC before I even came to the city someone loaned me a book called Art and Fear. I can’t remember if I shared anything that may have precipitated this gift. I do know I was struggling with “what is my calling?” since I had finished my BA in theatre and felt like I had totally failed at that. I always felt like I wasn’t finished with art. I had so many dreams of different types of shows that would involve the audience in some way.

I had joined a small group at my church for artists and we talked about why we were artists and I dreamed about ways I could practice my art and be in full time ministry. But full time ministry was not for me and God radically called me out of it and to go live in New York.

Living here was literally living out Art and Fear.  For years I pursued theater hardcore but couldn’t catch a break. I had made some incredible theatre friends though with the amazing people I met along the way at auditions, August Corps, and even at worship training school.

I’m grateful for the turning points-the crazy moment where in prayer I felt called to Rikers and the connections that led me there and how I met Jeff. How I realized I had two equally strong passions- singing/songwriting and acting and decided to pursue acting by enrolling in William Esper Studio. How I got sick and crazily was forced back into my singing songwriting world as the world shut down in 2020. (I also took a musical theatre bookwriting class!)  How I decided to make an album. How I began going to church at New Life Fellowship, which aided immensely in my trajectory of inner healing and being ok with being instead of constantly doing in the midst of fast paced NYC.

New York City you are a dream and also a place where I felt like my dreams died. I hid behind your towering spires hoping that just being here would somehow qualify me to participate in a meaningful artistic life. My sensitive heart was torn out often and I am still learning how to protect myself from the ruthlessness of the entertainment industry.

But...I haven't given up nor have my dreams died. I haven't forgotten my dramatic EGOT dreams.  I followed my tears here to this city and 10 years later they are watering new seeds.