How to Pursue a Woman’s Heart

Recently I have become obsessed with the TV show Atlanta. The main character was written admittedly as an anti-hero.  He’s a father who is homeless and doesn’t have a steady job.  He’s sort of in relationship with the child’s mother but they are both not fully committed (even though she’s in love with him).  The reason is because he always does just enough to get by. He will notice she’s upset and take her to dinner but then leave to go be somewhere else.  It is not surprising to me that her response to his behavior is, “I hate you. But you’re a great father.” She doesn’t feel like she’s safe with him.

In dating and learning how to set healthy emotional boundaries with members of the opposite sex I have learned a few things about myself and healthy ways of opening up. There are 3 ways I’ve been related to by men who are attempting connection.  I’ll describe them as guy 1, guy 2, and guy 3.

Guy 1: asks a ton of questions, often too personal, creating an unsafe environment because I’m suddenly defensive. I’ve been asked to open up all at once and maybe I don’t want to.

I call this method the “beat down the door method.”  It actually reminds me of feeling forced to do things physically. Don’t require more from the relationship than she is willing yet to give.

Guy 2: doesn’t say anything. He assumes I will open up on my own. This may have more to do with my over transparency that I am working on.

The problem with this is that women are actually designed to be responders. If a guy isn’t initiating than women start to feel uncared for. 

The guy may be thinking, “Whew I don’t have to do anything. Nothing is required of me. No risk needed.”

But that will ultimately ruin the relationship from the beginning.

Guy 3: isn’t forceful. Isn’t apathetic. But asks one, pointed question that is open ended so I have the option to divulge only what I feel comfortable divulging.

A) he shows he cares about what I’m feeling that is unique to me

B) it’s appropriate care though to the level of our emotional intimacy

C) it’s not forceful at all but a gentle invitation into deeper connection

If you’re wondering which guy I want to continue to pursue connection with, it’s definitely Guy 3.

I do not say this to point fingers.  I realize this is in many ways I am at fault here.  We are all learning! If you’re guy number 1 and 2 there’s definitely hope of becoming guy number 3. I’m only sharing this because I’ve noticed a tendency in men to run away from engaging with emotions because it’s scary or jump in and try to untangle the mess they think they see before the appetizer is served.  It’s so important if you want to be in relationship to engage with women’s emotions in ways that will ultimately benefit both you and her.

Black Panther- A Battle of Ideals

All Marvel movies involve an imaginary universe interacting with the real one, and ordinary people who become superheroes or superheroes that are royalty in other worlds. There’s a good guy and a bad guy and there’s always a war over a territory and/or powerful weapon.  There’s a clear message about right and wrong that everyone can agree upon.  Furthermore, everyone knows what a hero looks like.  It’s an unwritten code.

What an ideal genre to present the black problem in.

You see many white people don’t seem to understand the issues blacks have faced for centuries.  They think it’s too complicated and no one likes to talk about it. This statement is definitely an oversimplification but I thought it was necessary when talking about simplifying things.

This is why Black Panther is so critical to the black problem. 

All of a sudden a misrepresented, misunderstood group of people are sharing their story on screen.  Suddenly they are elevated. Their true identity is called forth. The film asks, “what if we actually lived like the royalty that we are?”

For all humans it’s always been about a throne. We were meant to rule and reign. But I think for blacks in particular the throne is a really important metaphor. They have been defined by powerlessness.  From not being allowed to sit on a bus to not being able to sit at a diner, black Americans have been standing for centuries.

Another important ethical question to be asked is, “What does it mean to be loyal to your tribe? To your throne?”  For some it meant staying and fighting intellectually for the ideals of the throne when there was a take over.  For others it was the uniting of armies for an overthrow.

On the micro level though this question deals with issues of abandonment and healing.  Oftentimes being loyal to your tribe is a loyalty beyond your country but to your brothers and sisters who need you.  It’s about sharing your resources when you are blessed with the less fortunate.  (The Christian might insert the question “Who is my neighbor” for “who is my tribe?”)

I think the most powerful storyline was the lost cousin who comes to usurp the throne, avenging his father’s death and his own abandonment.  The moment I believe that defined the king as hero was him addressing his father and saying, “what you did was wrong!” And then saying to his cousin, “You may still be healed.”  That was when he began to re-define his tribe to mean his brothers and sisters outside of Wakanda.

To me Black Panther was a representation to white America from black America (and Africa) saying, “This is who we are.” It is the oppressed finally having a voice. Finally having a hero in the fighting ring. Yeah we finally got a black Disney princess a few years back. But we’ve been waiting for a king.