There’s been a pile up lately of things I see that I want
that others seem to have. I see all my friends having their first, second, and
third babies and they are so cute. I texted my friend who I went to Bible
school with today (we are the same age) and he texted me a snapshot of his
second child crawling. I see my
boyfriend and acting class mates actually fulfilling my dreams of performing
their craft. On top of that I find out that my friends are writing beautiful
worship songs. I feel left behind, like I’m missing out, and like I’m missing
something that I should’ve learned long ago, but what? This gnawing
discontentment with my circumstances pervades all other feelings.
I am taking an acting class where each
person’s current goal is to show up and be present and
fully experience their emotions. We choose activities and stories behind
those activities that bring us to this emotional experience. I chose today to
experience the feeling of guilt and it actually surprised me how much I felt it
when I normally hold my emotions in my chest. But then another girl in my class chose the same feeling.
She screamed and cried: it was riveting to watch. I quickly jotted down in my
notes “She experienced guilt better than me.”
My classmate sitting next to me saw the note and said,
“that’s a lie.” She took my notebook and pen and scribbled over it and then
drew this beautiful branch in its place. That’s when I started to cry.
This and other things have got me thinking about the lies we
tell ourselves when we let comparison take root. We can’t live our truth if we
are constantly declaring over ourselves our unworthiness.
I was thinking about Zechariah in the Bible. The angel
Gabriel told him that he and his wife would bear a son and he questioned
Gabriel. Zechariah wondered, “How can this be since Elizabeth and I are past child
bearing years?” The angel said it would be and then told him he would be mute
until the child’s birth. I believe he made him quiet because he was believing
lies, not truth. The angel didn’t
want him declaring doubts into the atmosphere anymore. The truth would win.
God created the world by his words. The Bible says: “death and life are in
the power of the tongue.” What we
say is truly powerful.
James uses two analogies to
make the point that if man bridles his tongue he can bridle everything. He
describes how we put bits into the mouths of horses and are able through that
to guide their entire bodies. He
then compares the tongue to the rudder of a ship. “So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of
great things. How great a forest
is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of
unrighteousness.”
I love the way James poses the question. How can these things be coming out of
your mouths? How can you curse when you also bless? He also says it’s
impossible for man to tame the tongue.
His questions and his declarations point to a higher truth. We need God
to speak life into us so that we can speak life.
The very same passage James says, “But if you have bitter
jealousy and selfish ambition do not boast and be false to the truth. This is
not the wisdom that comes from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic.”
(verse 14)
I know what I was doing was related to boasting in bitter
jealousy. I compare myself to
everyone around me and see myself as less-than. I started speaking that over
myself. No wonder I’m insecure! No
wonder I feel worthless. I just declared it over myself! I made an internal
agreement with the Devil that I will never measure up and I spoke it over
myself. In my mind, saying it sort
of softened the blow. “See! I knew it! It can’t hurt me now!” But instead I’ve
become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The irony is that from day one of our classes our teacher
warned us to not compare our progress to other people in our class. The truth
is I know that the season I am in is amazing. I’m not ready to be a mother. I’m not ready be on
Broadway. It’s just when I look
around me….
It reminds me of when Peter took his eyes off Jesus and fell
back into the water. How to get
out of the predicament I am in is really quite simple. I have to find the Voice that speaks
louder than the accuser. I have ask Him what he thinks of me right here, right
now. I have to take my gaze off the people around me. I have to shut my own
mouth until he fills it with truth.
