Rock Climbing as a Metaphor for Life

I learned so much about my life and myself from rock climbing.  Particularly I learned two feelings of complete fear and how to overcome that fear.  First is the feeling I got when almost reached the top but just the thought of moving two inches gave me a panic attack.  This feeling was only rivaled by the terrifying feeling I got when I reached the top.

I was bouldering up this wall.  There was padding underneath me so I was never truly in danger.  My first concern was that the grips were so difficult.  As I almost reached the top of one course I was crouched down, inches away from the top.  I heard people below me encouraging me and telling me what to do: “You’re almost there!” “Just push up on your right leg!” I knew though that all my weight would be on that one leg.  I couldn’t trust the grip of my hand and I didn’t trust my leg.  I couldn’t bring myself to push down and straighten up.  I chickened out and jumped down. 

My life is so much like this.  Whenever I am almost at my goal I freak out.  I see the distance below and the leap to the top seems too dangerous so instead I stay comfortable where I’m at.  Faith can mean relying on something totally different than what you’re used to.  This is what I’m learning.  We are used to trusting God in one way and then he stretches us to trust him further.  We are always growing and expanding.  I needed to trust.

Excitingly I eventually reached the top of this course and conquered that fear.  Once at the top, however, I panicked.  I gripped tightly to the wall and admitted to my companion below that I was terrified of coming down.  I felt quite silly but that’s just exactly how I felt.  I saw the ground and I was simply terrified of moving from my position.

Isn’t life just like that?  We reach the pinnacle, the huge goal that we set for ourselves and suddenly we don’t know what to do.  We are disoriented and scared of moving. We get comfortable.  God is calling us to new and loftier dreams.  See, I could’ve stayed at the top of level V1 and missed out on all the amazing V2’s and V3’s out there.  It’s the same story of growing and expanding our horizons.

Interestingly as I climbed I spoke to this random theater girl about our hopes and dreams in the theater.  She said she wanted to open her own rec center with arts programs but it seemed like a big dream.  I said, “Well I’ve had this dream for years of having my own ensemble and thought it was too big but now I’m thinking maybe I dreamed too small.”  Where did that come from?  I can tell you today I probably wouldn’t be able to tell someone that but last night it came out of my mouth as I prophesied it over myself.

So this is my gift to you.  Expand, do not be afraid to risk, reach higher, climb to the top and don’t be afraid to start on another course.

Performing vs. Listening

I was originally going to title this blog performing vs teaching but I think it's broader than that.

When I first started teaching I was working with really young kids so my number 1 priority was keeping their attention. So I performed. I prided myself in the giggles and the eyes glued to me each lesson.

But I was also hungry to help. I knew because I had seen great teachers that teaching was about having a plan that you help children DO something in order to LEARN something. I also quickly learned that the plan took backseat sometimes and I had to be ADAPTABLE to the mood in the room. 

This fluidity between knowing and presenting  a concept and understanding and reworking that concept for the current room was fascinating to me. We will call this listening.

Interestingly it is the same thing I've been learning in my acting class. You have an idea of what your character is all about and the story and then you get into a room with another actor and just take in and respond to what that actor is giving you. It's so simple and so profound.  

When I describe this kind of working my actor friends' main concern has been, "but what if you're working with a really bad actor."  My acting class is full of people who are just beginning the journey in acting.  What makes the method of listening exciting is that even the worst actor can give you such a gift of just being present with you.  It may change the scene a little but your responses to an actor without a clue will actually MAKE the scene. Giving up and choosing not to listen is doing yourself a disservice and it will derail your scene.

Performing is more exhausting.  What I've noticed in teaching and in acting is that performing is actually more work. It takes far more energy to control a situation than it does to accept it. Though I tried performing in teaching and acting it actually burned me out. By the time the end of the hour hit I was done.  I could not exert energy to finish the lesson at times.

I think this is because listening is not approval based, while performing is. In a one on one scene, neither you nor the other person judges the others' genuine experience of you. You take in and you accept the other person and THEN you respond. It's generous because it means that you give up control of where you are both going. You honor each other's impulses.

Here's what I've discovered though: performing can be good if it's part of your true self. Again, what I'm learning in my class is acceptance.  I don't deny my performance instincts because they are a genuine part of who I am.  I remember taking an on camera acting class and the teacher telling me with judgment in her voice (or perceived judgment) that because I'm a musical theater actress I'm too "big" (meaning not subtle enough).  I took the note all wrong and decided that being "big" was an additive and not a part of my essential being.  In reality I grew up a goofball and years of being told not to perform have locked up part of my true self.

So if listening is truly a better way to work as an artist/teacher, why don't I do it more?  What gets in the way? I would say 3 things: Judgments, fear, and control.  They are all interconnected.  You judge yourself or pre-judge your scene or scene partner (student).  Then you are afraid of failure and you seek to control the situation.  You can't fully accept the what the other would put on you so you block, defend, manipulate.

As a Christian, my life and art reflect what I believe.  It's crazy to me that there are such strong kingdom parallels.  Our relationship with God was never meant to be about God doing stuff for us.  We are partakers of the kingdom not just takers.  To put it another way, the government of Heaven actually hinges on prayer.  God does not do it for us. It's about partnership.  Maturity in faith is recognition of this partnership. We move from acceptance that we can't do it without him into asking for him to fill us continually THEN into acting out of that filling.

So how do we combat these things that push us into performing without listening?  How do we strengthen that listening muscle?  We talk a lot in my acting class about acceptance and surrender.  We do an exercise called "thoughts out loud" where we absorb the other person's line and then instantly respond with our gut reaction, whatever that is!  It's scary because it's vulnerable and it may have nothing to do with the actual scene.  But we are actually strengthening that muscle.  We are learning to first accept our partner's impulses and our own reactions to those impulses.  Then we are learning to surrender to the moment and not seek to manipulate our words or actions.  As we do this the moment transforms.

Let me give you another example.  This one gets personal as it recently translated into my everyday life (as most important things to us do).  As I said before, I am used to performing. I used to try and create lesson plans out of my life. I would go from having an experience to what I should be feeling instantly, instead of accepting my current state of emotions I was in fixing them mode.  (God is teaching me how to be gentler on myself!) I recognized this recently when someone did something that hurt me and was hard for me to handle.  I was ready to move on but emotions from the experience still lingered and I wasn't allowing myself the time I needed to accept, surrender, and heal.  I needed to listen to myself.

I think because I've been fascinated with performing and listening for so many years, it will be the constant theme of my life.  Everything is about finding the perfect balance.  I really want to do art that engages people on a deep level, that doesn't just pander to their pocket books.  I'm interested in art that listens.  On the other hand, I love performing.  Singing in front of people is still so precious to me.  As you can see, the tension of listening and performing is still there on even a grander scale in the very nature of my purpose on this planet!  If there's one thing I've learned from all this it's what I learned when I watched a teacher teaching a class full of four-year-olds.  It looked like mass chaos.  If you looked closer though you would see how intricately she had adapted her concept to the room.  She was an incredible listener.

Fun and Fearless

I’ve never felt so fun and fearless as I did this weekend.  What is it about being with a large group of friends who I know and love that energizes me?  What is it that brings out the best in me?  What brought me so much peace and joy?

I can only be me.

This is an important revelation for me.  I think I probably spend two thirds of my life comparing myself to others and wanting to be like them.  Yeah, if they’re wonderful people that can be good.  But I didn’t know what it meant to be me.

But then I had people around me championing me, cheering me on.  That’s when I realized I  can’t have Joann or Jeff’s crazy servant heart.  I’ll never know enough about pop culture or have the history Tasha and Michelle do.  I’m me.  That’s when I started receiving what the Father had to say about me.  He debunked a lot of lies.

1) Lie: “Jeff is a better worship leader, therefore he should lead.”

Truth: “I’m giving this one to you though.  Receive your breakthrough.”

I brought my guitar because I had been asked to.  We are a giant community of worshippers but Jeff and I are the only ones who play guitar.  The whole time I was planning on handing off the guitar to Jeff.  I’m happy to be second in command.  But Jeff happened to not be there when I was asked to play.  I received major breakthrough not only in realizing I could lead but, when I asked Jordan to lead a song singing, I felt like a confident guitar leader for the first time and connected some dots that I had not connected before.  I felt like for the first time I know what it means to lead on an instrument.

2) Lie: “If you share your heart, they’ll laugh at you.”

Truth: “Your heart matters to me.”

Here’s a funny story.  I was really vulnerable when someone asked me a question but, because of my wording, I got laughed at.  I was so embarrassed but the quick response of those around me to make my words matter was incredible to me.

3) Lie: “If they knew me they wouldn’t say that about me”

Truth: “I do know you and I love you because of that.”

I’m just such a unique person.  I can’t quite describe all the odd things I did this weekend.  Singing every second is a given.  I guess I was just constantly surprised that, in everything I did, I was encouraged.  I was constantly waiting for a negative word. I was waiting to be labeled a “weirdo.”  But my friends champion me.  They constantly verbally affirm everything about me.  Even when I can’t see the good in me they call it forth.  

I don’t remember what it was but at the beginning of the weekend I was in a weird place emotionally and feeling very insecure.  I said something not so great about myself.  My friend caught it and immediately renounced it.  It was like every demon that wanted to attach itself to me was running for the hills because my friends spoke the truth.

4) Lie: Your constant need for physical touch is weird.

Truth: Touch is good.

I got to know a few people over this weekend who are even more touchy feely than me.  They brought out another side to me.

5) Lie: You will never feel connected.  You are doomed to desire and lonliness.

Truth:  All weekend I was conversing with Lord over this strange phenomena of connection and how I deeply yearn to be connected to one person, knit together with every fiber of our being.  It was cool because I didn’t experience it with one person but with many.  I had a few one on one conversations where I felt deep connection.  I will cherish that feeling.

In short.  My love tank is full.  My friends and Papa God himself brought God’s heart for me all weekend.

a memoir- a mug - and other thoughts-

I was eating breakfast and drinking out of my favorite mug and my mind wandered to the memory behind the mug.

It all began when I was taking voice lessons as a young 11/12 yr old.  My teacher (being the proper teacher she was) trained me on classical songs.  She started me on easy ones like Caro Mio Ben.  Pretty soon my voice was fairly well developed and I could sing pretty much anything (or so I thought until I turned 25 and I realized there’s even more!)

She was such a dear.  Of course I didn't realize how not good I actually was.  She tirelessly tried to teach me to site read and I could not seem to connect the dots.  She never told me I couldn't do a piece I wanted to either.  I've had voice teachers since say "I wouldn't try that."  (Of course, I always do it anyway).  Once I brought her this really complicated opera song and she broke it down for me note by note, rhythm by rhythm till I had it memorized backwards and forwards.  Of course, when I performed it in front of people I choked but the point is--I had a great teacher.

In her efforts to train me well she told me to submit for opera competitions.    Here's how I got in: we tirelessly practiced and submitted these CDs of me singing in the comfort of my voice teacher's home.

It was when I got in front of people that the stage fright was too unbearable for me to perform.  I always tried, poor soul.

So I went in to the first competition naive enough to think I had nothing to fear.  Then, suddenly, I found myself in my first "holding room" ever (up until that point I had waited in a giant auditorium with my friends for musicals tryouts).

I heard REAL opera singers.  This just sent my inferiority complex to max levels.

I don't even remember the actual audition.  The one thing I do remember is the adorable woman who led our group line up to the door of the audition.  She smilingly sympathized with her nerves (I remember thinking "this girl has never been nervous in her life.  What could she possibly know?").

Then she told us her audition trick.  Before she walks into a room she says to herself, "I'm fabulous and everybody loves me."  We laughed and the tension suddenly broke as she had us repeat, "I'm fabulous and everybody loves me."

It would be years before I discovered that everybody has a different trick and that you have to find what works for you.  I didn’t really work for me.  But that phrase has always been the catalyst that got me thinking, "I have to know I'm good right before I go on or I'll never BE good."

This was the Spotlight Awards and I never made it to the next round.  I went to another competition and in this one, I majorly choked because I was so nervous I stopped breathing.  Most important lesson in life: BREATHE!

Anyway, I burst into tears as soon as we made it out the doors.  My friends were sweetly trying to consol me while my mother stood there unsure what to do (my family doesn’t do emotional well).  It didn’t make a difference.  I violently cried.  I managed words between sobs, “I…was…terrible!”

Why couldn’t I believe I was fabulous and everybody loved me?  Because I guess I was always that child who was extremely observant and deeply cared.  I took everything and internalized it.  If my mother sighed I would think she was disinterested in what I had to say.  But that’s too much psychoanalysis of myself for this particular writing piece.

Suffice to say, I would continue to sing the rest of my life, even land a lead role in a musical.  But it would be many years before I truly believed that I was fabulous or that anyone loved me.

One day my voice teacher informed me that I had been invited to sing for a Ladies Luncheon for some ladies on the board (I believe) of Opera Pacific.  I’m fairly positive they picked someone else and when that person bailed, my voice teacher had favor with them somehow and they asked her if she had any students who could do it.  My voice teacher was always good at pulling things together last minute.  How do you explain something as strange as that otherwise?  It gets stranger.

When I arrived I found myself in the entryway of this historic house in Yorba Linda with none other than the winner of the Spotlight Awards.  I was flabbergasted.  They had sent us a complimentary DVD shortly after the awards of the awards themselves and I had watched this girl take home the 1,000 dollar scholarship prize.

She was even more sweet and humble in real life.  I was sort of star struck!  I just couldn’t believe what was happening.  By some stroke of luck or favor to my voice teacher I (the loser) was suddenly singing on par with the winner of the Spotlight awards.

After the performance, I received a goodie bag as a thank you.  Inside that goodie bag was this mug from one of their productions of Carmen, which, ironically, is the only opera I’ve ever seen.

Again, I don’t remember how the performance went.  But you can bet that I sang better than all of those auditions.  I wasn’t trying to earn anyone’s approval.  I was just enjoying the glory.  Someone had finally given me a stage and I was finally beginning to believe that I was at least a little fabulous.

Age of Injustice Part 1: The cases of Leo Frank and Michael Brown

This is a blog series that I am hoping to expand into a theatrical work of art that also expands the conversation.  The basis for my work, though I hope it will be clear as it unfolds, can be summed up in a quote by renowned, local activist Kevin Powell.  This is my thesis and this is my cry: “But we've got understand the difference between proactive anger that builds and creates something, like a movement, and the reactionary anger that simply wants to lash out and destroy. We've got to decide do we want freedom, justice and power with a clear vision on how to get to those places, or if we only want to vent and spit, until the next Michael Brown is killed.” 

In December I performed in a musical called Parade.  The story is an ancient who-done-it mystery that follows the events up to and proceeding the court case of Leo Frank who was later pardoned (after his death) for the conviction of raping and murdering a 13-year-old girl (and they still don’t know who actually did it).

I’ve always thought this story was important but I was particularly interested in how the story happened to play out co-currently with Michael Brown’s case and all that erupted over America as a result.

The parallels between Michael Brown’s case and Leo Frank’s case are haunting.  For one thing, Jews were hated and feared in the South in the early 1900s.  Jewish Northerners were feared because they stood for industrialization and taking people’s jobs away.  They were unwanted outsiders.

Blacks have been historically hated.  It is not possible to deny that their oppression has been the bedrock of this nation and we have not fully repented for it.  The root of this hate is similarly fear.

I read an article in the New Yorker about a kid who was sent to Rikers Island for a crime he didn’t commit simply because he was black.  This is a recent story.

In all 3 cases, these men were the targeted “other.”  Leo was targeted for his different heritage and Michael and this kid were targeted for the color of their skin.

The stories are microcosms of a greater struggle.  In many ways, Michael Brown and Leo Frank were scapegoats in a political battle that ultimately is greater than both of them.  To some, they were an excuse for further segregation and hate.  To others, it was a turning point for decisive action.  In both stories there was something bigger going on: there is a rising cry coming forth against injustice in the land.

An eery real life parallel is worth mentioning: The night of our last all cast rehearsal before dress rehearsals was the trial that would ultimately decide Michael Brown’s killer’s fate.  Our director actually stage manages for a news show and couldn’t make our rehearsal.  As we fictionally put Leo on trial, there was a real live court case on air! 

In many people’s eyes, the case was lost because blood cries out for blood.  I have to say though, there’s a greater blood.  Furthermore, there has to be a greater vision.

Audacious Love: Emotions and Truth

January 1, for me at least, is always the beginning of a few days of quiet reflection.  I don't know, maybe I'm behind the rest of the world but I always feel like before that I'm still catching up from Christmas!  I'm sharing this story because I had this incredible experience two weeks ago and I think it ties into some of the things bubbling up in my heart today.  I'm going to be really vulnerable.  This is my gift to you.  I want you to have the same hope as you are considering last year and looking forward to 2015.

"Words words words!  I'm so sick of words!" I remember singing as Eliza Doolittle in a production of My Fair Lady.  The point was "if you're in love, show me!"  I think that's the best way to start off this post.  I have a longing to be shown love in a very real way that touches my body, soul, and spirit.  I have to say I know a man who loves me more than anyone because he has shown me time and time again.

(I'm gonna make some pretty audacious statements.  Know you were warned and please keep reading anyway.)

I was on the train home and I was pretty angry because I knew that I had done something wrong and it was beginning to click in my mind that I was caught in a pattern.  I started complaining about the Devil.  I said a bunch of things in my mind and then I thought, "The enemy is smart."

All of a sudden I heard a voice say in my head, "The enemy is smart. But I'm smarter."

I was caught off guard because I didn't expect God to invade that pity party.  I really didn't.  Not only that but I when I heard the words I felt his presence like he was sitting right night to me.  The fear of the Lord (this intense feeling of awe and wonder) came over me.  I raced off of the train towards my apartment becuase the emotions were so strong I thought I was going to burst.

Then God told me to (burst emotionally).  As I felt this intense closeness to the Lord I felt like weeping and screaming all at the same time.  I started railing at this man (Jesus) because I knew he had my full attention.  I mean, he was right there.

Audacious truth #1 (I'll revisit): God's ok with our emotions.

Pause for a moment and think about it.  The God of the universe just intercepted a private pity party (he wasn't invited) and told me he's smarter than the devil and then I sart screaming at him.  You're probably thinking "Some Christian."  I can tell you right now though that HE was the one who nudged me.  It was him beckoning me that gave me full assurance.  It was his presence that did not leave the entire time that I went off on him about my circumstances.

Here's where I throw caution to the wind and lay it all bare.  The pattern starts when I have a crush on a guy. It seems healthy and godly and, dare I say, almost perfect. Then the relationship doesn't happen (also something that I recognize as from The Lord and healthy). My perception of rejection and loneliness in my life then sends me in a tailspin of looking for validation in men. The ache, the loneliness grows and then I actually meet another guy (or guys) who meet every worldly longing in me but cannot satisfy the godly "yes" in my spirit. I ignore the warnings and allow myself to fantasize (I'm not doing any harm, right?) and pretty soon convince myself that it's ok to go out with him once (I mean, he's eventually going to reject me too, right? So why not give in to immediate fulfillment.)

Audacious statement #2 Sin = anything outside the will of God.

I mean, the first time I actually went out with the guy and, when I did, I felt sick to my stomach.  I knew: bad decision.  Holy Spirit kept warning me.  This last time I just fantasized.  No biggee, right?  Wrong.  In God's goodness he stripped away the guilt (the enemy's talk) and revealed holy, perfect conviction which only brings truth and encouragmenet for the future.

He told me what actually went down.

"Fantasizing is simply disbelieving the truth that I have something better for you. You say with your actions that you're waiting but in your heart you doubt whether I'm telling the truth."

He was right.  I felt so rejected I subconciously thought, "God's screwing with me.  I'm gonna go take matters into my own hands."

The fact that the guys were so clearly not what God had for me was what made the story even more painful.  As the Lord was gently going over this with me he reminded me of this quote by C.S. Lewis in his book the Weight of Glory, “It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”

I was playing in the mud because I couldn't imagine actually having what I desired.  Which brings me to the next thing he wanted to show me.  He showed me that the opposite of agreeing with God in prayer is contending against his desire for you in rebellion.

Audacious statement #3: I want a man who is on fire for the Lord.  I want a man who loves theater.

So the guy doesn't show up or the guy who I think he is isn't the right guy and then I am no longer praying but acting out in rebellion.  Which is sin because sin is anything outside God's will.  What's God's will?  The beautiful, good, and true desires.  The most audacious statement that I just made.  That's God's will for me.

I read a story once about a girl who characterized her married life as being full of grief for not having had children.  The grief she nicknamed her "central sadness."  I thought that it was interesting that she could name her emotions and know instantly what they were linked to.

I think 2014 has really been a year marked by learning about my emotions.  No wonder this woman's story fascinated me.  No wonder every time I see a person deeply in touch with their emotions (people who cry on trains or when they are next to a guy who hurt them) I champion them in my mind.  God is unlocking emotions that I never thought I had.

Audacious statement #4 God wants us to be aware of our emotions.  It's really important for us to recognize them, pinpoint where they are coming from, and let the Lord validate them.  I used to think that God was not ok with anger and sadness.  (That was wounding that came from my mom who was working from a skewed toolset handed down from her mom who was a mom in the 50s so that's just rough.  Everyone was perfect in the 50s.)  Well, he is a joyful God.  But he also weeps.  

This is really important because this is where I got confused.  When I was yelling at God I was saying, "But in this acting class they told us to act on all our impulses but that's not right!  But then how am I supposed to have all these emotions if I can't act on them?!"

Soon after God told me he's smarter than the Devil, he made this profound, audacious statement (#5 if we're keeping track).  Now, at the time, I didn't fully catch his meaning.  Then, as I stayed in his presence a little while longer, I began to understand it.  Here's what he said: "There's a storm all around me."

Ok, yes, Lord, there is a storm all around you.  Thanks for the Revelation tutorial (Revelations tell us that lightning and thunder come out of the throne of God).  I can read Mike's commentary for myself. (No I didn't say that but I have made similar statements to the Lord in the past.  Remember, he's ok with that.)

Here's what I LOVE about the fact that he said that.  He loves pictures.  I love pictures.  The storm = his emotions.  God was saying he has all this pent up emotion.  He's furious at injustice.  He wants to make wrongs right.  But he hasn't fully revealed himself as the righteous judge because he is holding back the floodgates till the appointed time.

It's a relifef that people aren't being struck down by lightning and thunder right and left.  But why is that? God has all of this emotion but he's also knows everything and is perfectly wise.  He knows how to direct his emotions to where and when they belong.

This story gave my friend so much hope and my prayer is that it does the same for you.  Let 2015 be a year where we become even more outrageously emotional.  Let it be a year where we cry on the subway or just let off steam to the Lord in our bedroom.  In so doing he will reveal the secret places of our heart that beat in tune with his and cast away the unnecessary restraints of the gods of this world.  The truth is not that all our impulses are good.  No, the truth is that we have assurance that God has a plan for us (always) and if we look to him he will help us direct our emotions, thoughts, and prayers to where they need to go.