I’m 27 and I’m a virgin.
I’ve been on this journey for much of my life of trying to
be relevant, trying to fit in to culture and forgetting that I was called to be
set apart for a reason. Not to
flaunt it, no. Not to bury it
either.
Today I went to the doctor for my annual physical exam. It’s getting more and more comical
every year. This year I had a male
nurse taking down my information.
He asked me if I was sexually active, and when I said no he got very
nervous. He said “not currently”
to himself and put it in the system.
There are a million different subtexts you could place for why he did this but they all point back to what he perceived as culturally normal.
I was smiling to myself because I was not nervous and I felt
wonderful about this.
I say that to say this: I felt very relaxed the rest of my
visit, making effortless conversation with people in the office. I felt like I hit it off with the woman
who drew my blood, Kim. At some
point I felt like there was an opportunity to say something like “hey can I
pray for you?” I used to do this all
the time but for the past year or so I’ve resisted this tendency. I always say to myself that it’s not
the Lord and that it’s just me looking for attention and I don’t want to be
weird and turn them off to God completely. The list of excuses goes on.
I walked out of the office and I heard the Lord say to me
(and this time it was clearly his voice):
“Will you stop apologizing for me? I’m awesome.”
He went on to compare our relationship to that of a lover
and his love. Reminding me what it
was like to be in love and not be able to stop talking about that person. He wanted me to know that he delights
when his name bubbles out of my being.
He then went on to say “I’ve made you this way! Your desire to know people and draw
them closer to their authentic selves is FROM ME. You’re bored with your spirituality because you’re
JUSTIFYING your boredom.”
Woah.
All of a sudden everything I had been praying about,
desiring for, longing for clicked into place. He’s been setting me apart from this culture for a
purpose. He’s been reminding me of
when my passion outweighed all of my excuses. I just loved Jesus so much nothing else mattered. I didn’t make deals with God then. I sacrificed everything and he broke in
every time. I saw miracles because I was expecting them. I walked in power. I was who I was
called to be because I wasn’t afraid of being different.
I instantly started to repent and asked God to restore
me. I told him I don’t want to
justify my boredom anymore. I asked
to go on a fantastic journey with him.
I surrendered.
I recognize that with every scriptural truth there is a
paradox. So being in the world and
not of it is going to look sort of different for everyone. For me though, it means laying down my
tendency to hide my faith from people I’ve just met, especially when I desire
to pray for them. What does it
look like for you? Ask God.
God is such a good teacher. Will you allow him to teach you? When you don’t understand or you’re frustrated by something
he’s asking you to do TELL HIM! He
will draw you closer and help you look at it in a different way. As in every relationship, it’s
important to keep the conversation going.
He LOVES to illuminate truth in every dark crevice of doubt and fear.
