I feel like I’m on the brink of something beautiful as an
artist and as a person.
I’m recognizing my hang-ups and they all center around fear:
1) Singing: I try to control the
note instead of just letting it go.
2) Acting: I’ve been afraid of
myself.
I mentioned on facebook but I heard myself sing and I was
stunned. I went to my voice
teacher and the same thing happened.
Instead of being afraid of hitting the high notes, they just floated on
past me. He said, “You got out of
the way.” When I try to control
notes they sound pushed and not pretty.
Yet when I let go and just let myself sing, I can sing so beautifully!
Recently I went to an acting class that was like
back-to-the-basics for me. The
instructor said over and over again, “You are enough.” This was not solidified for me until I
went up there to have my performance critiqued and the instructor stripped away
all my defenses until I was me, just me up there. I felt vulnerable.
I felt raw. I thought,
“That must have been terrible to watch.”
Before I said anything the instructor made the audience tell me how the
performance was. I was blown away
because they were riveted.
I think these breakthroughs are analogous and related to
breakthroughs that I’m trying to walk through in my life in general.
I have a really hard time believing I’m enough. I know as an artist it’s crucial to
come to terms with who I am because I am
the person I interpret every character through. Yet in real life I’m not a huge fan of my hang-ups and
personal failures and I see them as a reason for others to reject me so I hide
from relationships. I feel like
I’m still trying to make the mantra, “You are enough” true for myself.
The best thing for me is to realize I’m not in control and
let go to a God who cares about every detail and he won’t see my destiny
shipwrecked. It’s actually in his
job description to carry out my destiny.
When I’m anxious or scared about the way my life is going
this usually means I don’t think God will carry out the dreams in my
heart. Then I try to control every
situation and micro-manage my life and my plans end up falling through and I
get more frustrated. When I fully
let go, give up control, embrace vulnerability, and abide in him, the more ME I
can become.
