Me Too

I felt it. I started awake two weeks ago with memories of being violated flooding my mind as though the event had just happened to me.  Immediately something rose up in my spirit without prompt: unbridled, seething anger.

At the time of these events (three that really changed my perspective) I felt shame.   I felt the typical responsibility we as women often take for everything we do.  I felt like my "no" was meaningless.  I had already opened the door and here I was reaping the consequences, I thought.

I will describe one of these events to you.  I remember I was cleaning up after work to close and it was just my boss and I in the building.  Suddenly I see him get this look on his face.  I cannot remember to this day what he said.  I think he thought I was coming onto him and he was simply responding.  I knew because he instantly turned bright red when I said, "No."  But that look on his face will ever be engraved in my mind as connected to this slimy, sickening feeling I felt in my stomach.  I called my best friend at the time and just remember being so angry.

In the other instances I was in a relationship so lines were a little more blurred.  I will refrain from details but I will say that it is possible for a woman to feel in a relationship that they have been violated, that boundaries have been crossed and that things are not ok.

A few weeks before Harvey Weinstein's accusers started coming forward I had tweeted my sad realization that every woman knows what it feels like to feel violated.  Yet reading through all of the posts of women re-living each memory so the world knew, I grew saddened.  I completely agree with the call to solidarity and the exposing of evil to bring it to justice.  I would not like to discount that.  I hope that in the above lines I have added to a sense of awareness of this issue.

Yet I do want to say that as a believer in the power of the gospel of Jesus Christ and because of my unfolding story of redemption I know that there is hope, redemption, and healing for all of us, men and women included.  One thing I realized in the process of healing from these events is the instant fear of my femininity that arose.  I want to make some declarations of truth I have learned.  Even if you're not a Christian, I encourage you to meditate and try these things.

You were made to be beautiful and inviting.  The enemy wants to steal your power to allure.  It's a good thing though not bad.

You don't have to be angry anymore.  You have a King and Judge who is fighting on your behalf.  He sees every scar and he is roaring in power to destroy the evil that is coming against you and all those who have been wounded and violated.  Let him carry the anger.

Forgiveness is a powerful weapon against evil.  For me, I had to first accept that what the person did was wrong before I could even get to this section.  So once I could, then I recognize that the men who hurt me were operating out of brokenness as I have often done.  Forgiveness is a process and we will often discover layers of un-forgiveness but it really is possible to forgive.  Once I tried it, the power of the memories grew dim and started to disappear altogether.

I am sure someone who has gone through therapy and other forms of inner healing has more insight than I on this.  I just wanted to give a little ray of hope in the midst of the chaos of this time.  We cannot let our spirits bend to the power of the evil one.  Bitterness causes great destruction.  I have personally watched un-forgiveness and hate eat up one of my friends who IS a believer.  As Obi Won said, "Fear leads to anger.  Anger leads to hate.  Hate leads to the dark side." (cheesy I know, I know.  But it's true, no?)

By all means, expose evil.  Stand with the oppressed.  Weep with those who weep.  Bring evil to justice.  But do not stay there.

Me too.

I don't want to stay there.

I want to move on.

The People who Fall in Love with You

I grew up in church and worked in Sunday school since I was 10 all the way until I moved out of state after college.

When I was in college I co-taught a first grade Sunday school class with another young single woman.  One of the children in our class had a single father. I knew he was single because of the strikingly sad prayer requests his son would share with our small group. It was clear that the couple had had a nasty divorce.

I lost touch with the girl who taught with me and the father and son. Years later when I visited for Christmas I noticed the Dad walking to church hand in hand with the girl. I found out they were married.

I was reminded of this instance today.  It was encouraging to me. When she loved that little boy through his pain something about it caught the dad’s eye.  We may not know the eyes we catch when we are serving.  We may not fully comprehend yet what our surrendered lives look like to the people around us.  We don’t know who’s watching when we choose to pour out our hearts for others.

I’ve noticed people frustrated that no one is dating them. I challenge those of us in that category, how are we investing our time? Are you attending the same church and have people there who are in your life, regularly spending time with you?  Are you serving other couples? Are you invested in your community at all or are you just church hopping, looking for the church with the most eligible bachelors?

I want to be clear, dating around is not a bad thing. In fact, it can actually be good. Yet I think we would all be surprised by how much of our identity is revealed to us, to God, and to the men around us by serving our church and our community.