I wish we all were naked

I wish we all were naked.

I had just finished leading worship at my church for a prayer set and was in the bathroom.  I woman there commented on my clothing.  Suddenly I was filled with shame. I knew I shouldn't have worn this shirt! I'm a leader! It was a hand-me down from my roommate and felt revealing when I put it on but had protested that I needed something to wear in this heat and I had worn my more modest brown tank top 3 times already this week.  Though she was right I was filled with frustration.  I became even more frustrated when I went to the store to look for new clothes and found nothing for this hot weather that wasn't revealing.

Her comment started me on this long thinking train this week.  I often think about the topic of modesty and get frustrated.  I'm usually just frustrated at the Devil because I see this process: one person accuses another person of being immodest and it creates shame.  Or a guy stumbles because a girl is immodest and it creates shame.  This whole thing wouldn't be a thing if sin hadn't entered the picture!

I've written a blog about this before but I think I have a little more insight into it now.  For women, we already innately are born with body shame.  Part of the culture of "baring it all" is actually from a healthy place of being ok with our bodies.  How are we going to be comfortable with our husbands if we can't look at ourselves in the mirror naked and like what we see?

When that woman spoke to me I was kind of astounded that I had known when I picked out the shirt that it was too revealing but I frankly didn't care.  I cared more about my comfort in that moment.  To me that shows me a few things.

For starters, I've come a long way.  I used to use modesty as a way of hiding.  I was super ashamed of my body.  Now, it doesn't seem to bother me anymore.  I'm not concerned about what other people think.  I think that's a good thing.

Because of this though I've become less cauteous, less caring for the people around me.  Think about it, I cared more about my comfort (It's freaking hot!) than the men whose souls I was leading into worship.  I cared more about me.

The Bible teaches us that the way of the gospel is the way of the cross.  I need to surrender my comfort sometimes so that other people can be honored and cared for.  That's the thing about this discussion about modesty that I often see flare up.  We are so quick to defend our own cause and blame the other person. Yet we fail to see it from their perspective.  If we truly put ourselves in one another shoes we would see that our actions affect other people.

So I realized my wardrobe needs some inner healing and decided to go shopping.

But I hate shopping.  I'm not fashionable.  I don't know what to pick out.  I don't know where to go.  I don't like anything I see. And I think everything is too expensive for me.  I usually come home after shopping with nothing to show for it and 4 hours wasted.

All this to say that it bugs the crap out of me that we live in a fallen world.  I actually read a lot of things by nudists because I'm so fascinated by the fact that these people are attempting to live out the garden of Eden outside of Eden.  How do you do that?  How do you honor other people and not live in shame at the same time?  I think these questions can be further sorted out with the One who put us in the garden to begin with.

You’re your own worst nightmare and your dream come true

I think I’ve struggled as most of us performers and humans do with this insecurity that I’m not good enough. I loved singing. I knew I wanted to do it. But I had to come out of my bedroom in order to be seen and heard. That was scary.

Looking back on these years since I decided to be a performer and actually jumping onto the wild ride of getting there I see so many years of not knowing my worth holding me back.

As a performer you have to be audacious. You have to know that that there is something inside of you that is so unique that it is worth presenting to the world. You can’t copy. You must be an original.

I’m going to go into more depth about this specifically in my relationship to romance in my cabaret (shameless plug) so I won’t share that side of it.  But the change began to occur in me interestingly not when I practiced more, not when I went to more expensive classes, or met more agents and casting directors (though all of these certainly didn’t deter from what was happening inside).

I won’t lie and say this happened all at once either. I think in life most lessons we learn are subconscious and come in cycles until we fully get it. So I certainly couldn’t write the how-to confidence Manuel for performers. This process has taken years.

There are a couple moments though that I can point to that have helped me on this journey. The first was the experience of sort of losing my way to find it again. Being so NOT myself showed me how much I actually liked and missed the version of me I had spent my whole life hiding from.

It happened when I hit rock bottom. I am a naturally happy person and also love to please people. Depression took me to this place of apathy where I didn’t care what people thought of me.  The best way I can think to describe this experience was like I looked at people’s reactions to me separate from myself.  Removed from my emotions about myself I saw myself from the perspective of the audience, the agents, the casting directors, and my friends.  

I discovered that instead of judging me, they were cheering me on. Instead of comparing me they were composing me. However I had defined myself was all that they could see. I wouldn’t cast me either! I lacked all confidence because I didn’t like myself. Strangely though when I was raw- completely unashamed of who I was because of depression- I was the most captivating.

The other was last year when I was in the process of discovering myself and rebuilding, I started to see myself through the eyes of the One who loves me most. I was totally outside of my normal routine at a school in the middle of nowhere learning about Jesus and songwriting. I fell in love with this man Jesus again.

I so fully fell in love with him that I fell in love with the people he loved. I no longer was angry or frustrated with Christian men as I had been for a long time. I was no longer angry and frustrated at myself as I had been for a long time. I was complete. I was whole. Lacking in nothing.

This is an ongoing process. I feel like this is the journey of self-discovery I am always on! It wouldn’t be life if you weren’t discovering more of who you are and who you were meant to be. But you are only a nightmare to yourself if you hide from you. Open up. Let others see your true colors. I promise it’s not as scary as you thought. The rewards are beyond measure. Only then can you find your dream you.