The topic intrigues me and frustrates me. Why? Because usually the mantra connected to these talks includes phrases like "hear everything" and "don't just hear what you want to hear" or even "be opened minded." Lets be real though. Healthy listening means that we hear what the speaker meant to convey. Sometimes people convey exactly the opposite of what they mean because, let's be honest, we aren't the best communicators either.
Sometimes sorting information correctly we are supposed to disregard information. As I mentioned earlier, for instance, someone is trying to tell a story and the punch line is really the point. They overpower you with details and your brain can only hold so many. Your job is find the nugget of truth the speaker is definitely trying to convey. Your brain encourages the speaker by sorting out the reffuse.
Choosing what we want to hear is termed selective hearing. This is usually used negatively. However, I think selective hearing is good! It's our brain's sorting system. We can't physically hear everything so we sort information into appropriate categories. The times when we miss something important I believe is a glitch in our sorting system where we file something incorrectly. It is though, in the long run, more efficient to listen for where someone is going and not necessarily pay attention to how they're getting there.
In my acting class I am learning that we listen through our own individual perspective. If we listen through negativity we will see what the speaker says as negative. If we listen through our ego, we will try to relate everything that is said to ourselves. We are all listening through something whether we know it or not.
Here's an example of a healthy listening perspective. Imagine you've been married for years. Your spouse says something that you could take negatively but instead you don't. Your friends are surprised. They ask you why you aren't offended, "because He loves me." What you mean is that your relationship is built on years of mutual commitment, devotion, and trust. You cant possibly take his words at face value anymore. You know the meaning and the meaning is love. You are still listening for fresh cues in your romance (because we do change over the years) but you don't have to fight through the sorting system anymore.
Ok, so recap: We need to get rid of the confusing extremes surrounding our "self help" talks on listening. Listening for someone's intention is far more effective then listening to every single word. Selective hearing can be a good thing. It's good to be aware that we listen through a certain perspective as someone sees through a lens.
I think my frustrations with this topic boil down to this: I am listening to this topic through a legalistic perspective. I see people saying "you need to listen more" as a task rather than an invitation into a new way of living. We need to tap into a healthy perspective.
I think we need a new approach to listening. The easiest way to listen is simplicity, rest, and identity. If we are resting, at peace with our being, then we can simply listen to someone without any pre-conceived ideas. We can hope through listening for intent that they are going somewhere. But we can also realize that we don't have to grab for attention so we can just let them speak. We need to require from ourselves passionate efficiency in listening.
