I’ve had this message brewing in my heart for a while as I scroll through posts on the internet. I have been deeply humbled as I hear in my spirit the words, “I’m not like that man!”
Where are these words coming from? Luke 18:11 actually.
To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everyone else, Jesus told this parable: 10 “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. 11 The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. 12 I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’ 13 “But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’ 14 “I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”
There’s a fine line between holding others accountable and acting out of our own self-righteousness. I see it on both sides of the political aisle. “Those people are like that. I am not like that.” We are deeply divided within our country, but we do not realize how deeply divided we are in ourselves.
The problem I believe is how we lack self-awareness. Jesus told this parable of two people who were “confident in their own righteousness.” He contrasted two different prayers: one from a religious elder like his audience and one from a tax collector (the lowest of the low in terms of popular opinion, basically a criminal in today’s world). His question was “who was justified before God?” He answered his own question. It was not the man who thought he had it together. It was the man who knew he didn’t and repented.
Lack of self-awareness is a sickness that has infected the church. Based on the rampant rise of escapism through alcohol, drugs, Netflix, sex, etcetera, we are not practicing being self-aware. One of Jon Foreman’s songs has been ringing in my ears lately: “She’s got a pretty face with the wedded lace but I’m still waking up with myself.” If we see anything lacking in ourselves, instead of admitting it, we are AVOIDING it. We go to church on Sunday and then come home unable to connect what we are hearing to our daily lives.
The remedy I propose for this great malady in the church is the spiritual practice of repentance. David recognized that even at his best he was unaware of parts of himself. Therefore he prayed to God, “Search me and know me. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” (Psalm 139:22-23). This should be our starting place. Next, comes the acting of saying, “have mercy on me!” as the tax collector did. Finally, walking out the change that we need to see.
I call repentance a spiritual practice, because it’s actually something we should be practicing daily. I often thought of repentance as only linked to that powerful spiritual conviction I felt in services to run to the front of the church and fall on my face and cry realizing how I had sinned against my God. But the more time I spend researching healthier ways to do things the more I realize that our spirituality cannot simply be enacted in times of spiritual “unction.” They must be daily disciplines that we devote ourselves to even when we don’t feel like it.
I am not saying lose your heart and feeling when you approach your spirituality. Those things are also vital. My experience of the presence and prompting of God is very visceral so I would never discount that, especially since we see how God moves in that way all over Scripture (take David dancing with the ark of the covenant for example). However, I would posit that the reason we find ourselves overwhelmed with this “conviction” in these moments is that we weren’t listening to the gentle, prompting to walk in wholeness daily.
Often we don’t even know how to bring all of ourselves daily to God. We learned from a young age to bury parts of ourselves down deep so that even we can’t comprehend those parts anymore. I think Inside Out is a great illustration of this. Happiness keeps trying to shove sadness away not realizing how deeply sadness is needed for Riley’s full emotional health. Nothing works until sadness is fully allowed to be at the helm. Suddenly Riley is able to be connected to her full emotional self when she is allowed to express her sadness. For a child in a Pixar movie, the fix is quite simple. For an adult, this task of discovering those buried parts of ourselves will take time and energy.
I felt that this year keenly as I experienced deep grief over my health. I have never been this sick for this long: unable to exercise, unable to play guitar, my daily life totally interrupted (as I write both my arms ache). Many of my encounters with the church left me deeply disheartened. Grief seemed to be frowned upon. Only declarations of faith over my health were acceptable. Some even went as far as accusing me of having the wrong attitude when I simply told them, “I am managing.” This wasn’t the Jesus that I knew who came to Mary when she lost her brother and simply wept. Apparently, to some, expressing grief amounts to a lack of belief in God’s healing power. Yet I needed to grieve a year of declining health with no answers. It was deeply disappointing. I did not, as some would say, “Come into agreement with a spirit of infirmity.”
The real infirmity is people who get up and preach repentance but their life of finger pointing speaks very little of real repentance. I have been weeping and racking my brain for a long time now trying to understand the incomprehensible actions of even those closest to me. Paul compared a loveless life as a “clanging symbol.” It’s loud. But it amounts to nothing. The church is in grave danger of becoming this empty, shallow tomb. Thank God he is in the business of raising things out of tombs! But we have to come out willingly. Remember, Jesus didn’t grab Lazarus. He called to him and Lazarus walked out. Jesus is calling to the church right now to repent. The question is, will she listen?
