I remember being moved to tears by the movie “the shape of water.” It was the woman’s perspective that gripped me the most. She was a social outcast and felt deeply alone. I understood that kind of loneliness all too well.
Since I started dating this great guy women from my Christian circles have been flocking to me, wanting to know all the secrets. Why me and not them? I can sense the same loneliness in them.
If I think back on that stage of my life and how deeply alone I felt I realize I had to go through a process and that process is a process we will all continually have to go through in one way or another.
The culture around you will tell you that your needs will be met in romance and from a certain perspective I can see where they are coming from. Deep friendship, deep intimacy with another person is transformative. It just is.
The process that I had to go through however was not finding a man or friends or journaling or whatever you think it was. It was learning to tend the garden of my heart before God. I found that all my needs are met in Jesus.
I’m not saying it’s not normal to feel lonely. I think our approach to loneliness as Christians should be to instantly bring that to our Father in Heaven. Does he instantly meet that need in him? Sometimes. Does he ultimately? Always. The more you let him massage your heart in those areas the more you will find freedom.
If our loneliness is to be met in God than why do we still long for relationship? I believe it’s an outward manifestation of an inward reality. When your heart is so transformed by love all you want to do is share that love with someone else and deeply.
Your deep relationship with Jesus will ultimately be the standard that protects you in choosing a mate. You can hold him to high standard because of your relationship with Jesus. No, he is an imperfect human, but he should smell a lot like Jesus. Anything else isn’t worth your time.
I used to ask this question a lot: “What do I do now while I wait?” (I waited 30 years, ya’ll.)
This is my charge to you: meditate on love. Now when I’m talking about love I’m not talking about the cultural drivel of romance we were taught that ultimately stems from our selfish humanity. No, I’m talking about 1 Corinthian 13 love. I’m taking about unconditional, sacrificial love. You receive what you give in this area. As you become love you will attract love and love will be your portion forever.
Final and practical thoughts (Paul always did this in his letters so why not here?)
Ask yourself hard questions and hold yourself to those things.
Are you setting your standard of perfection too high or too low? What do you want in a partner and are you truly asking God for it and believing?
This believing part can be hard for some of us who have been deeply hurt by men before. One of my favorite songs by Glen Hansaard is called Bird of Sorrow. In it he says “you’re prostrate bowed but not believing.” But his ultimate encouragement is “love will find you again. Just be ready then.”
