Reflecting on this season and the interesting highs and lows it has produced emotionally for me has got me thinking in narrative form. God, of course, is the great story teller so it's no surprise to me that everything I see is a mirror image of my heart.
This image from a student film my friend Jesse Doland made in college popped into my head. It was a particularly striking film for me when I saw it so I was not surprised when it came up this week for me. You can watch the link below but to summarize for reading purposes: it is the story of a guy who is trying comically and tragically failing at committing suicide. In his grand efforts to to die, he takes a bunch of pills but there is no water. He goes for the fish bowl but it topples, shattering. Then he saves this gold fish's life and thus realizes the importance of life all at once. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TR04N8kpG6E
It struck me because I was going through the throws of emotional turmoil and suddenly a person reaches out to me in the same boat. I see in her what I see in myself and then speak truth over her. Suddenly I am speaking truth over myself.
Isn't that like God? To take us from ourselves to help someone else only to show us the process of healing our own hearts.
It was all God. Roger Joyner told a similar story. He was about to walk into fulfilling a huge dream of his heart but then God had him lay it all down for his family. He looked intensely (and it felt like it was right at me) and said something to the effect of, "God cares more about your heart and character than what looks like a promise fulfilled in the moment." He would eventually get his promise fulfilled in a different way. The through line though was that God was his exceedingly great reward. That it didn't matter that he was in the desert serving his wife instead of walking out his "ministry" calling. God was working in his heart.
See I try to compartmentalize my ministry and my own personal time with God. That is good to a point. We need alone time with God. We need to be filled. But what I didn't realize was how much I would receive by just being a friend to people who are hurting because I know what it's like to hurt.
I am telling you, God always speaks to me multiple times. So if the message, the video, the conversation with the friend wasn't enough, he sent me to support a friend in her play (and this was all in one day mind you). In the play her role was a girl who was incredibly emotional all the time. Again I saw myself in her. By the end of the play she realized how incredibly selfish she had been in making everything about her.
The biggest realization of this whole thing is this: My growing up and reaching out to others benefits everyone.
I was complaining to God that no one understands me. Particularly I was upset that I cried at church and no one asked me what was wrong. They just assumed the Holy Spirit was ministering to me. God goes, "Use your words." We've all heard parents say that to their children as they cry and whine. I'm in a growing season of realizing that I can communicate my needs to the people around me and it's OK! (HA!)
The point of all of this is this: God wants us to be FUNCTIONING vessels. That means that we are wells that are continually being poured into and continually pouring out. This means we are vulnerable with people. This means we speak up when we are mistreated. But most importantly it means that we continue to see in others the same pain and brokenness in ourselves and collectively call it out and ask for God to come and make us new.
