I was contemplating us seeing our lives as movies yesterday. It started with a benign question someone asked me earlier in the day: “If your life was a movie what would the title be and who would play you?”
What interested me most about this question was my internal, immediate response. I wanted desperately for it to be an epic romantic film. Then looked around me at my reality and thought for a little while. I wanted the movie to reflect reality and not a fictional fantasy I held about myself. That fascinated me. That pull back moment.
Then my friend had a moment where he ran into the guy he’s interested in on the train. He is similar to me and was fascinated by the epic way in which it all played out. To him the drama of the moment confirmed a lot of his feelings about the moment. He felt like he was in a movie. I know exactly how he feels. I ran into my crush once on a subway platform and couldn’t stop thinking about it for days.
I don’t watch a lot of romantic movies for this very reason. I start comparing my life with what I see. I recognize this as not a good thing. It means I’m not willing to face my own reality. I know in extreme cases of this (cases caused by trauma) people can go insane. They just can’t cope with reality. So I know when I am going to that place of watching a romantic comedy, usually it’s because I’m looking for a place to escape.
(Side note: I find it fascinating since I’ve been spending a lot of time with men lately that their place of escape is often physical. They will just leave a place. But for me I find my escape is inside my brain to a fictional story about my life that I am creating).
Yet last night I felt strongly compelled to watch When Harry Met Sally. I was nervous because for a very long time I was in a friendship and I wanted it to be more than a friendship (and that’s literally the entire premise of the movie is falling in love with your best friend). My nervousness came from a fear that maybe somewhere deep down inside I was lying to myself about being in a good place.
Thankfully though I am in a good place I discovered when I watched it. I didn’t compare my life to the movie. I recognized the difference instantly. I am in a place of solid contentment where my imagination is not going to sway me from genuine joy with what is in front of me.
So, how did I get here? How do I tell my friends how to not live in escapism and create a fictional movie about their lives that isn’t real? What is the key to being present, not letting fantasy take over? I am going to address this as practically as I can from two standpoints 1) a single person 2) in a relationship/or attracted to someone.
Being single:
It is important in any season of life to live with healthy emotional boundaries. I have realized over the last season that it is quite easy to use other people to meet my needs. That’s not to say that we weren’t created for community. But it has to be a two way street. I am very aware now when I try to “make things happen” with people who are not interested in meeting my needs. I am also aware that ¾ of the time God is actually the one who is supposed to be meeting my needs, not people at all. I’m growing in this awareness but when I see that a boundary needs to be set I set it.
Practice thankfulness. Sometimes that’s actually dwelling on the past a little. Taking yourself down memory lane and showing yourself how you’ve grown. I took myself on a date to Williambsurg on Saturday after I had a doctor’s appointment in Brooklyn. I live in Queens so I don’t get to Brooklyn much). I have grown. I felt at home and alive there like I didn’t even feel when I lived there.
Furthermore, I was so surprised by how happy I felt on my own enjoying the things around me. Why was I so surprised? Because I’ve spent so much of my life believing that I had to be on a date with someone else to enjoy myself. I clung to friendships to make me feel happy. Now I’m realizing my happiness comes from within.
In a relationship (before marriage)/liking someone:
Emotional boundaries are important here too! You cannot treat a person you like the same way you treat everyone else. Your heart needs to be protected around them. Fantasy and obsession go hand in hand. Our culture actually believes this is healthy probably because it’s so easy to be infatuated with the person you’re attracted to. It isn’t though because in that state you can miss important flaws that you need to consider in order for the relationship to continue to grow.
Physical boundaries in a relationship are super crucial. I could talk a lot about this. Suffice to say, it’s easier to fall into that fantasy trap when you’re physically being intimate with someone. The physical hormones released are actually supposed to bond you in this way, past all rational thinking. Sex was created for the long hull of marriage to keep us in love. However, if you jump the gun on the physical before it’s time and season you can push yourself into fake movie so quickly and your emotions and brain have to play catch up to the fastest moving train on earth.
Again, I think thankfulness I think is the glue in that holds all of this together. Being thankful for where you’re at and not trying to move ahead or run away from the exact moment in time you are in with the other person. The key here is practicing ongoing contentment. If your partner is not ready to move on to the next level and you are, that is God’s grace for you to grapple with it. Thank him for where you’re at with your partner and surrender your desire for more.
Living a fantasy may feel good in the moment. But honestly there's so much that's real that you can miss when you escape to your perfect movie life. If you don't know how to get out these cycles of fantasy, take a break from the culture of fantasy (romantic comedies, books, or even porn) and practice thankfulness. Live your life from a place of happiness that comes from knowing you are content with your reality. I promise you it is possible.
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