Party People Thoughts

The show opens with the two young main characters revealing their reasons for wanting to honor the Black Panthers. One of them, whose father is spending his life in jail for being one, is distraught when his father says to him, "you're not a black panther." Similarly, the other character's black panther uncle calls him an "armchair activist."

It is the age old struggle between generations, isn't it?  That all we desire is to honor those who went before us without making the same mistakes and perhaps it is sometimes cowardice that keeps us from action.  this was reiterated for me when I left the theater. I had a map in front of me (the old way) but something told me (my instinct) that I was reading the map wrong. I ended up going right back to where I started from. If we don't analyze the situation correctly than we can easily get only as far as our parents generation and not further.

The older generation in the show accuses the younger generation of not doing anything, not going anywhere, being completely inactive bystanders with their cameras posed in front of them. The young man's response was what resonated the most with me.  He said something to the effect of: We do want to get somewhere. That is why we deconstruct and analyze our history.  We want to get it right this time.

I find myself in the same boat as the young characters; wanting to proclaim my art as activism but trembling lest i be judged of not doing more. I literally was carrying with me source material for a play I'm writing that I entitled my black lives matter piece.

I think it's in all of our blood to be revolutionaries. We were not meant to leave this world worse off than when we came into it. It burns within each one of us to make a difference.  The choice is ours to rise up before it's too late and the question is how.

Official Member of the Lonely Hearts Club

Literally as I was writing this, the day before Thanksgiving, I saw a man on the subway platform embracing a pole like it was his lover. I know the feeling.

There's definitely a spirit of loneliness that permeates New York. People come here away from their families to pursue their careers and achieve great things.  Because our schedules are so crazy, true community is scarce. Holidays exacerbate that feeling of loneliness that's already there.

Take heart (I am speaking to myself when I write this).  You are not alone.

There's hundreds of others in the same spot as you.  But seriously! There's a collective longing, ache. I can't tell you how many singles I have bonded with in the city over the simple craziness of dating!

So, as I was contemplating my choices in this hour I realized that feeling sorry for myself was not the best option. In fact, a new thought that I haven't thought in a while popped up in my head: Could this be for a purpose?

Could it be that I, the most communal of beings, have this singular desire to do something that no one else I know wants to do with me- could that be to someone's benefit?  Could I be the light and love to someone else who may be in an even more worse emotional state than I?

See, the Bible says that God sets the lonely in families.  For a while I used that passage as an insult of unbelief flung at my God who I believed had not fulfilled that promise.  Perhaps though it's my turn to be that family for someone else.

I was touched by a story of a woman who lost her son to a senseless shooting. After that she spent her days loving on people at the same courthouse where his killer was convicted simply because she knew the weight of what they were going through.

My final thought is this: God is love. Therefore you are not alone. You have a lover with you constantly.  This may sound like a cheap Christian answer to the truly broken (I know because I've been there), but if you can meditate on that for a while, you will begin to recognize it again.  It says in James that his spirit jealously longs for the spirit he has placed inside of us.

The Birth of a Nation - my thoughts on the movie

More than an attempt to process the movie I just experienced, through this post I hope to encourage my readers to not only see the movie but listen to their heart in how to respond to this moment of crisis in which we live. 

I read an article about a year ago I think interviewing the moviemaker in the very place where this story took place.  This interview was the first I had ever heard about this story.  I was shocked.  I am genuinely upset at this point because I do not see this as a black history story but one of American history.  I am tired of hearing my white American friends saying “Oh you have such a heart for that.”  I’m sorry, shouldn’t you?  Our ancestors brutally oppressed a group of people.  If that doesn’t bother you than it should.

In the Bible the Israelites were oppressed in Egypt for years.  When they came out of oppression and wandered towards their Promised Land, God miraculously stopped the waters and they crossed over on dry land.  Before they crossed, God told him them to take 12 stones from the middle of the Jordan and set those stones on the other side as a memorial to the 12 tribes of Israel (Joshua 4).  I believe this story is important as a memorial stone to those who gave their lives so that slaves could be freed.

There are two points I hope to outline.  Number 1: This movie is important because it exposes the face of black oppression.  Number 2: It reveals, through this man’s story, a solution.  Whether or not you like the solution is unimportant at this stage.  I will explain that later.

I have to admit, I was very uncomfortable watching this movie.  Not only was I grossed out but I also I didn’t agree initially with the outcome.  I will also admit I did close my eyes quite a bit.  The way in which the movie was shot there was no break in awful, disgusting brutal acts and manipulative control.  12 Years a Slave was neat and tidy in comparison.  But, as my friend Ebony pointed out, this is the POV of every black man.  The movie did its job and I was left in constant agony, anger, and fear.

At the heart of Nat Turner’s story is how real his hope in God was.  We watch his journey through the whole movie – he knows the word of God like the back of his hand.  In my favorite scene, he has just witnessed the most cruel torture committed on a slave and now has to preach to the slaves who belong to this evil slave master.  As Nat spoke, tears streamed down his face.  However, he proclaimed joy.  I felt the presence of God in that scene.  It was because he was standing with them in their pain.  He was not preaching at them but declaring with them that they would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

He ultimately was not afraid of martyrdom in standing up for what’s right.  He was like Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego who declared: “If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand.  But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up” (Daniel 3:17-18).  He was also fiery like Moses who killed a slave master for beating a slave.  The list of similar biblical situations goes on.

My take away is simple: if more people were like Nat Turner, we wouldn’t be living with oppression anymore.  We need those who will stand against injustice.  The movie clearly shows that this story, like other uprisings, resulted in few immediate results because they were simply outnumbered.  Yet then the movement gathered strength as more and more people said no to injustice.  Finally a big army rose up in the Civil War.

Now, if God did inspire Nat to such violence or why it didn’t work, I don’t have the answer for that.  I don’t know why good doesn’t always win.  I do know that, according to the Bible, we are headed into a season where there will be great evil and good will strongly be oppressed.  At the same time, good men will rise up and release God’s justice on the earth.  This won’t be just in a day.  And then the army of Heaven will come with Jesus himself at the head and release the final judgments (Rev 17:4 to cite one Scripture).

We need in this season to be like Nat: to know the Bible backwards and forwards.  Before we react we need to know what he says about the situation.  David said, “Your word I have treasured and stored in my heart, that I may not sin against You” (Ps 119:11 amp. Version).  Treasuring a word means meditating on it, praying it back to God, and understanding it deeply.

Why is this important? “For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.” (Hebrews 4:12)  When great evil exists, we need to know how to respond.

I’m going to leave you with one more thought.  I see this section of Scripture as very true to the time we are living in:

²³ “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices—mint, dill and cumin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law—justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former. 

²⁹ “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You build tombs for the prophets and decorate the graves of the righteous.³⁰ And you say, ‘If we had lived in the days of our ancestors, we would not have taken part with them in shedding the blood of the prophets.’³¹ So you testify against yourselves that you are the descendants of those who murdered the prophets. ³² Go ahead, then, and complete what your ancestors started!

³³ “You snakes! You brood of vipers! How will you escape being condemned to hell? ³⁴ Therefore I am sending you prophets and sages and teachers. Some of them you will kill and crucify; others you will flog in your synagogues and pursue from town to town. ³⁵ And so upon you will come all the righteous blood that has been shed on earth, from the blood of righteous Abel to the blood of Zechariah son of Berekiah, whom you murdered between the temple and the altar. ³⁶ Truly I tell you, all this will come on this generation.

³⁷ “Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, and you were not willing.³⁸ Look, your house is left to you desolate. 

(Select verses from Matthew 23)

Do not say, “Well, I wasn’t a slave owner.  I’m not responsible for their pain.”  Clearly Jesus takes what our ancestors did very seriously!  Even as much as to say that if they don't repent the innocent blood shed from the beginning of time will be on their heads.

So I repent on behalf of my ancestors and contemporaries for the genocide of my black brothers and sisters.  I repent for the foundation of our country, whose bricks were made in the mortar of black blood.  I weep over these memorial stones.  The Lord has taken me on a long trail of tears over black lives lost and I know this is just another marker.

I was VERY uncomfortable with this movie.  I did not like what I saw.  I was afraid it might incite people to violence.  Now I see though that this movie is vitally important.

why God gave us Family

Why God Gave us Family

I have been marked in the season with the deep impression of how important family is, not just biological family but friends who are there in the both the mountains and valleys.

Recently I went through my first break up.  Instead of celebrating Independence Day I stood in the rain crying as the realization hit me like the splashing rain that it was actually over.

Now I've never really grieved a death of someone close to me so I'm sure the magnitude of what I was feeling was not comparable to others' pain. I'm just sharing my own journey.

As soon as the ax fell I texted my roommate because I knew she was waiting for me at a party. I said "we broke up. I'm going home."

My first response to the pain was an instant desire to be alone. I believe this is natural. I also know for a fact that the enemy seeks to use this desire to hold us captive in our own thoughts about the situation.

In that moment my thoughts were ones of intense guilt. I was the one who made the call. Did I make the right one?  Were his scathing words about me true?

God in his mercy though wouldn't allow me to go down that path. As soon as the flood of thoughts began, my roommate called me. She listened a little but immediately began to dispel the lies.  She had been with me through the whole journey- encouraging me when I entered the relationship and just shepherding me so I knew I could trust her.  She reminded me again of my worth.

She stemmed the tide for the present of the enemy's torment.  Of course I was still devastated and my plan was to lay in bed and never get out of bed. My head was pounding though and the pounding became unbearable. I realized I hadn't eaten all day.

So I finally got up and ate and drank because a pounding headache and the sound of loud fireworks is pretty excruciating.

Again, God timed this perfectly. As soon as I finished eating and getting ready for bed my roommates and a friend of ours who also loves Jesus came home and asked if I wanted them to pray with me.

What healing balm was poured over my head! Again, they declared over me who I was, dispelled the lies, and let me cry with them- leading me into my Great Comforter's arms.

I did reach out to people that week but at every turn my soul was leading me to isolation. Now I think I recognized pretty early on that this wasn't good because I know it's not normal for me. I'm naturally a very social and happy creature but suddenly all I wanted was to be in my bed with all the lights off.

The normal grieving had taken hold:

1. Desperate for answers- like I said, I'd play the conversation and previous conversations on loop.  "The desperation to make sense of something so jarring compels you to debate friends, family, coworkers, even strangers, about why the relationship ended, while you justify to them the reasons it shouldn’t have, as if convincing them is equal to convincing your ex." (For me I was convincing myself)

2. Denial- I'd keep busy because I was tired of crying. I didn't think it was productive or safe to just sit and cry all the time.

3. Trying to take responsibility for everything

4. Anger- anger was mostly directed at myself, then at him, at God, and then at the community in general. this last culminated at the end of the week, which I'll explain in a minute.

(Taken from "the 7 stages of grieving a break up" in Psychology Today)

Furthermore, The enemy had taken sadness and created a mixture of guilt and anger in my heart. I was punishing myself for the whole situation.

Saturday night my friends convinced me to come a to a little house party with them.  My friend drove me because the party was pretty far from where I live. On the way I opened up to her about what was going on.

I didn't really brace myself for any particular response as most Christians are inclined to do. I just told her everything. I did a lot of tying to convince her that I was to blame and maybe the relationship should have continued.  She asked me a lot of questions then told me about a recent dating experience.

Then, and I don't know how this happened, I started to agree with her that I had made the right decision and that, yes, I do hear from God. It was small and not necessarily noticeable but it was a big step in my healing.

We went even deeper on the ride back and hope began to come back into my heart again. I was so angry and I didn't know why really. It spewed out in blaming our community's lack of community (ironically). And my friend just listened and let me go. Then she redirected my gaze. I began to realize I was pouring out years of pent up disappointment of when I felt like I tried SO hard to make community happen and it didn't.

She wasn't the only person on my healing journey. My roommates asked me everyday how I was doing.  I had friends texting and calling me throughout that dark week.

On Sunday my friend from that night asked to pray for me. I felt two more hands on my back. My pastor had come up and he told me to "give it to him[God]." It was so simple but so profound. Why was I holding on to my pain like it was my cross to bear? Then my pastor held me in his arms as I balled like a little child.

3 more friends encouraged me that day with words and also just by hugging me.

Then my pastor and his wife had me over and I ate and joked and laughed and felt like a normal human being for the first time since it had happened. I literally got to be a part of their family that day. That is so something God would do: restore me by being a part of a family.

The Lord says, "I set the lonely in families."

It it's true. When we come to the end of ourselves we have need family to lean on, to speak truth into our hearts, and to build us back up again.

The enemy is seeking to take away our identity and purpose. That's his main goal.  Isolation keeps our wheels spinning, peddling away from truth.

Reasons we may seek isolation: they wouldn't understand, They'll condemn me, I have no grace for myself how can I extend grace? 

Hmmm...sounds like we are trying to get our act together before we enter our communities. But family was meant for moments in our lives where we need to hash things out.  Family was designed by God as a safety net that we can fall into.

Also on Sunday, as soon as church was over a friend bounded over to me and asked for prayer.  God always restores us by loving on other members of the family. It was really encouraging to me that even though this person had no idea how far I felt from hope and love that they still came up to me and I was able to bless them.

I learned an incredible lesson from my story it's this: I'm not alone. I thought I was. But I'm NOT. I have people around me who genuinely care about me.

If you think you're alone I promise you, that is not the case. There's a God. He loves you. He has a family for you.  I'm so grateful that mine brought me through to the other side.

Seasonal Poems

Bear with me a moment.  I know it's not good.  I'm learning.

Rubb-ish:
We scoff at who we really are
Preferring Idealized images
Composed in electrons
All the while laughing off
The truth

The trash is full to say the least
Containing muddled stories
Actions speak louder than
As he offers his hand
I need


Flight:
Gifted with intelligence
To discern myself best
At least the flight
Isn't weighted by bombs
It's smooth like chocolate

I wonder if I will transform
Like caterpillar cocoon
From mortal itch
To Heaven thirst
Need to touch it

Below he, she, it are small
Like scuttling mites
Huge buildings disappear
In wafts of clouds
Perspective shift

Ignited by decision
I invoke myself best
Then land my thoughts
Along the row of flares
Small but important

Meanderings:

This euphoric bliss

Is but a passing blip

In this dance of life

If we could but catch it

Like fireflies

I’ve felt too many times

To us it’s life or death

Kiss or cry

Dream or nightmare

Yet Heaven dreams

Much bigger and

If we could see

The fuller mural

We would be undone

Drawn away

Into a mist of passion

Given to deceiving hopes

We trade our futures

For our todays

And wonder

If this love can

Save

A song:

I wanted to be an Eleanor

But Marianne became

My heart and soul

Could not be boxed

By lock and key again

I flung it wide

It's ugly side

You found it to be tame

Now what's in store?

I now implore

Or I will close again

Open hearts:

Open hearts

Are never wrong

They are where fruit

Grows from budding vine

Fragrant, delighting in beauty

All too well they know the pruning sheers

That bring forth greater blossom

Open hearts can feel some pain

But must open to proceed

To understand it all

So fall if they fall

And bud to fall

They’ll spring

Again