Why I Love My Job

          Honestly, my initial reasoning for wanting to be a nanny was that I needed to make money and I didn’t like the other alternatives.  Quickly after that what developed in my heart was an uncontrollable ache to be near children.  Although I know this ache was Holy Spirit inspired, I think it’s natural for females in their twenties and thirties to feel it.  Why?  Because we were created to be moms.

            At the same time, I have this inexplicable knowledge in the depths of my soul that I was created to be a dramatic artist.  It is at the core of who I am.  I could give you a thousand reasons why this is true but I don’t need to.  I just know it.  This desire to be an artist is another uncontrollable ache.  What I never realized is that, all along, there was a master plan that connects (and will ultimately connect) these two desires so that I am completely fulfilled in the depths of my being.

            I knew I loved children.  I knew I wanted to sew into their lives.  Yet I was not that person growing up that you immediately labeled as a “kid person.”  I did not have the confidence to run up to a child and grab them and twirl them around in their mother’s presence.

            Because of this I was delighted when a mom actually gave me a chance to nanny her two beautiful children.  As I got used to it I realized I was becoming confident that I can do this.  It has also set me on a road of prayer for wisdom like I have never asked for it before.  I may not be super nanny yet but desire for motherhood led me to take practical steps in learning how to love children more and has allowed me to recognize my abilities to do so.

            I also realized that there is a beautiful convergence between artist and “mom” (nanny) that can take place.  When I’m with the four-year-old, Ryan, I get to be artist, collaborator, and co-creator. 

            As we play, he constantly challenges me to create original moments.  The scariest improv game I can think of is when he asks me “what does he say?” about a character (sometimes out of the blue).  This game always keeps me on my toes!  I look at the figurine and have to come up with something that will instantly propel a story forward (or at least make him laugh).

            4-year-olds, I have noticed, have an innate desire for repetition.  At first this frustrated me—how many times are we going to replay the same stinkin’ scenario?!  Yet each time we replayed the moment, I realized I was finding out more details about the story and the character.  I could go deeper with the motivation.  Each time we did it was like a rehearsal for the next one.  I have discovered so much through this exercise of repetition!

            I am learning flexibility.  Sometimes my best offering is just not what Ryan had in mind.  He will tell me adamantly, “No!”  The director has spoken.  Time to try something new.

            I am learning how to make useful moments where I can apply theatre techniques to get what I need to get done in the real world.  When I first started bathing Ryan he refused to let me scrub him with soap.  As we played Star Wars it occurred to me to make Darth Vader afraid of the soap and play out the same scenario, making Vader a cry-baby.  I said, “Look, Darth Vader, Ryan’s not afraid of the soap.”  Ryan was hooked and instantly let me scrub him down.  I was so excited that it actually worked!

            Finally, I am becoming fearless in my creations.  Before I started playing with Ryan I was so concerned that what I had to offer was crazy or silly.  Now I believe I have the ability to say “why not?” and go for it.

            A huge reason why I love my job is that it challenges me to pursue dramatic art even more than I did before I got the job.  It makes me work harder to achieve the goals I’ve set for myself.  I’m motivated to prepare for and go to that audition because, if I don’t, I’ll just be a nanny and I know I was created for more.  As much as I adore these kids, I’m learning to create a life for myself outside the walls of play and pretend.

            I wrote a poem back in KC called “An Artist with a Day Job.”  In it I said, “though tired is never bored.”  I think that describes my life to a T!  I never thought I could so perfectly fulfill my desires in one job before I started being in a nanny.   Not only that but a major theme I see in my learning artistry and learning motherhood is the confidence I am gaining in both areas.  Being a nanny has actually given me more confidence to pursue my dreams wholeheartedly.

Seasons

            For weeks now I’ve been telling the Lord, “I’m rearing and ready to go.”  I just keep repeating that phrase to him, in case he’s missed the fact that I’m ready to step into actually doing theatre instead of theoretically doing it.  I’m very eager to get to the product yet, if I was there, I would have missed the process.

OUCH!!!

            Amidst the craziness of my life I decided to go running.  This is maybe the 2^nd time in my life where I’ve done this.  When I got home and today I was in immense pain.  I limped across the room and asked my roommate if my hips are supposed to hurt.  There was a good pain and a not so good pain going on all at once.  I collapsed exhausted on the couch.

            Later that day I was reading through some old journals when I came across this phrase the Lord had spoken to me last year, “You’re used to sprinting.  I’m going to teach you how to jog.”  Of course I did not make the connection until today that the Lord used my run to teach me a lesson.  When I talked to him about it I could just feel him smiling on me and he simply said, “You were over-zealous and you over did it.”

            My sprint was a metaphor for my life.  I tried to do everything in one day.  I’m all scattered because I’m trying to accomplish everything I know I’m called to all at once.  I’m frustrated because I can’t push myself to be where I want to be all at once.

            Ok, God.  So life isn’t a sprint.  I need endurance.  You’re teaching me to jog.

            I have to tell you, I really do love to sprint but I have always hated jogging.  I don’t have endurance and I easily give up when it comes to physical strain just for the sake of exercise.  If I was climbing a mountain to see a spectacular view that would be another thing or dancing to create a beautiful dance.  I have a hard time with exercise for exercise sake.

            Could it be also that God is teaching me to trust him even when the road to my vision seems unclear and even when the vision itself is blurry?   Could it be he’s teaching me about the journey (learning to exercise for the sake of exercise) rather than the outcome?

Seasons

            The Lord told me also before I left (I think even before I arrived at IHOP) that he was going to teach me about seasons.  Yeah, I’m from California, what do I know about seasons?  Every season is pretty much the same weather. That word meant nothing to me.  I even heard Sam give a word on it and thought it only had to do with waiting and such.

            Then I’ve had conversations with my roommate who is quite the wise sage for being only 5 years my senior.  He understands seasons and he is possibly one of the most patient people I’ve ever met.  When I would come to him and say, “I just don’t understand why I’m not there yet” he would smile and say, “maybe it will make sense a few years down the road.”  Every time I walk away from conversations with him I think, “He really understands seasons!”

            The Lord reminded me that one day I felt like I wanted to watch one of my favorite movies 17 Again and that I had missed the whole point of what the Lord was doing in me through that!  Zach’s character has this line that he says to his daughter, “When you’re young everything feels like the end of the world, but it's not. It's just the beginning.”

            Some things that I’m learning then about seasons are that: They do not last forever but do eventually pass.  Each of them has something in it that you will take with you into the next season.  There are no regrets, only growth.  Discontent is sometimes a catalyst for the next season.  More often than not though it is an invitation to posture your heart differently in the current season.  Finally, you are never too old (this is one I could write a whole other blog on!  Ladies, ahem, we have a hard time waiting for Mr. Right).  Time is completely irrelevant.  If you pass through 10 seasons and have not reached the one you’re hoping for, you are still in a good place.  I am still young and do have a lot of growing to do in learning about seasons.

What He’s doing RIGHT NOW

            All of this is teaching me to focus on the present and what he’s currently doing in me in this season.  While I was on my walk/run I let it all out before the Lord—all my bottled up anger and frustration.  He said something to me like, “Live in the moment.”  At the time I argued with him and philosophized as to why that does not really work with me right now because one way or another that makes me freak out.  I interpreted living in the moment in my own legalistic terms of striving.

            Later though I realized he’s been trying to teach me for weeks just to rest in his love, just to receive.  That is what he meant and if I had let him get word in he probably would have explained it me.  (Sometimes when I spend time with the Lord it’s just me talking the entire time.  I know he loves it but I know I probably would get more out of it if I’d just listen once and while).

            After my run, also, I had a conversation with a dear friend and I was really excited to hear about his stories of doing ministry.  I expected, like all my other friends, to hear these incredible stories of miracles (also, he’s seen quite a few in his life I’m sure).  Instead, however, he shared how the Lord is teaching him to lead in wisdom.

            I thought, “God, you are doing so much in teaching me about wisdom and I completely discount it and wonder why I’m not doing x y or z.”

            So my prayer has been and will continue to be, “Lord, show me the secret of contentment.  Help me to abide in your love.”  I’m reminded of my favorite a song that will be sung at my wedding:

           

Seasons may change

Winter to spring

But I’ll love you

Until my dying day

            In conclusion, (and I hope that this blog has not bored you with it’s length,) I am learning about seasons.  I hear the Lord say, “Hold on, my dear prophetic one!  You’ve seen so far down the road that you need to give yourself a break or else you’ll never get to the end of the race!”  I have to train.  I’m in a marathon.  Who knew!