Crying for No Reason

Perhaps it's because I'm in my first real long term relationship or perhaps it's because I'm adulting hardcore these days. It's still unclear to me exactly how I became so aware of how dramatically up and down my emotions are. In therapy I brought this up a bit and we explored a number of things. My latest therapist, the scientist seated behind the glasses and the analytical stare, always trying to figure me out but never revealing her own secrets- explained to me how hormones may be effecting my emotions. It came as a shock to me that women actually get emotional twice a month. It's normal. So I started to pay attention to when my meltdowns seemed to occur and, surprise surprise, it was when I was ovulating.  I felt jipped.  Like, how did it take me 33 years to discover this? Why wasn't it printed in large ink on our feminine products? Why weren't more women talking about this? Sure, you've got PMS but what's this other space about where you want babies, everything is sexual, and you're suddenly so sad you don't know what to do.

Yesterday, as I was lying on my bed and my boyfriend was holding me I just started crying for no reason. He gently snuggled me and said, "Why the cry?" I answered, "I don't know." I mean it was probably more like "I...d-d-d-on't know" stammered through sobs.

So here I am again thinking about these things called hormones and how wild it is that we have them. How interesting too that a week ago I began this Ketogenic cleanse. I've been thinking a lot about what I put into my body since I got sick with long COVID in 2020. Both balancing hormones and inflammation in your body all go back to diet. It's amazing how much we can actually help ourselves by simply eating healthier.

This has been a long road for me though.  I tried a few times to give up foods like sugar because everyone who had similar arthritis inflammation from COVID told me it worked wonders. But I'm so adaptable to my environment it was hard. I knew I needed a community doing it with me.  Simply put: when you live with roommates who bake and want to share, it's hard to give up sugar.

But my boyfriend suggested this two week test and as I read about it and realized that we'd be doing it together, it felt like a dream come true. It's not about eliminating sugar and carbs altogether. It's about detoxing your body from them so that you can slowly introduce less amounts into your system and see how your body reacts. It's the most doable and healthy thing in my mind. It's a reset.

One of the many reasons I'm attracted to him is his core value of health. He pushes me to be more healthy. We went through long COVID together and then got better together. He's a marathon runner so when I push myself running I know I'm not going to die because he's there going, "This is normal. Keep going."

It's not that I'm not a healthy person. It's that I never really thought of my body as being important before. My head was always in the clouds. The real world seemed like a distant reality.  My faith and spirituality was far more important to me than my physical body. But what I discovered was that A) a lot of insecurity was driving that dissociation I had with my body and B) Faith is embodied.  We can't be our whole selves: experience our emotions and be fully connected to God and others without being connected to our bodies.

I think the insecurity came when I hit puberty and didn't really go away until I was like 27. Before I turned 11 I did ballet and gymnastics and swam and I was obsessed with these things.  Suddenly fear and shame hit me like a tidal wave when I got my period. I no longer wanted my body to be seen. I felt awkward. I got away with not working out for many years too because I had a fast metabolism I guess. I was told to cover up and I was also simply afraid. I used to do backflips all the time. Suddenly I was afraid of falling on my head.

But I did Taekwondo when I was 27 and started running a few years back. I began the process of being embodied again. I started going to yoga and pilates classes. The best way I got reconnected to my body was this class called the Alexander Method. It was revolutionary for me. I remember leaving the class one day and just breaking down in tears. The release of my body released my emotions as well.

Diet. Exercise. Sleep. I think these are things that I learned from my experience with recovering from long COVID are game changers. I instantly knew when I was stressed because my arms or legs would start throbbing. Taking time out to rest and nap when I need to has changed my life. I'm the type of person who will push through any activity just to cross it off my to-do list quickly. I have found that this is more than often not the best method to maintaining my health.

So what is the point of this blog post?

I suppose I want this to be a sort of intro to a daily blog of sorts on my experience with this cleanse and exercising. I want my embodiment to have a memorial space for others to make the pilgrimage to as well. I am longing for my spirituality, my emotions, and my whole being to be unlocked through the transformation of my daily habits. I know that may sound like a hyperbolic thing to say. But I truly believe the more I pay attention to what's happening in my body- even just keeping track of my emotions, the food I'm consuming, and how I'm moving through my day- I think that will be helpful for me. So maybe it's a journal but maybe it's a space where we can discover our bodies again.