Why God Gave us Family
I have been marked in the season with the deep impression of how important family is, not just biological family but friends who are there in the both the mountains and valleys.
Recently I went through my first break up. Instead of celebrating Independence Day I stood in the rain crying as the realization hit me like the splashing rain that it was actually over.
Now I've never really grieved a death of someone close to me so I'm sure the magnitude of what I was feeling was not comparable to others' pain. I'm just sharing my own journey.
As soon as the ax fell I texted my roommate because I knew she was waiting for me at a party. I said "we broke up. I'm going home."
My first response to the pain was an instant desire to be alone. I believe this is natural. I also know for a fact that the enemy seeks to use this desire to hold us captive in our own thoughts about the situation.
In that moment my thoughts were ones of intense guilt. I was the one who made the call. Did I make the right one? Were his scathing words about me true?
God in his mercy though wouldn't allow me to go down that path. As soon as the flood of thoughts began, my roommate called me. She listened a little but immediately began to dispel the lies. She had been with me through the whole journey- encouraging me when I entered the relationship and just shepherding me so I knew I could trust her. She reminded me again of my worth.
She stemmed the tide for the present of the enemy's torment. Of course I was still devastated and my plan was to lay in bed and never get out of bed. My head was pounding though and the pounding became unbearable. I realized I hadn't eaten all day.
So I finally got up and ate and drank because a pounding headache and the sound of loud fireworks is pretty excruciating.
Again, God timed this perfectly. As soon as I finished eating and getting ready for bed my roommates and a friend of ours who also loves Jesus came home and asked if I wanted them to pray with me.
What healing balm was poured over my head! Again, they declared over me who I was, dispelled the lies, and let me cry with them- leading me into my Great Comforter's arms.
I did reach out to people that week but at every turn my soul was leading me to isolation. Now I think I recognized pretty early on that this wasn't good because I know it's not normal for me. I'm naturally a very social and happy creature but suddenly all I wanted was to be in my bed with all the lights off.
The normal grieving had taken hold:
1. Desperate for answers- like I said, I'd play the conversation and previous conversations on loop. "The desperation to make sense of something so jarring compels you to debate friends, family, coworkers, even strangers, about why the relationship ended, while you justify to them the reasons it shouldn’t have, as if convincing them is equal to convincing your ex." (For me I was convincing myself)
2. Denial- I'd keep busy because I was tired of crying. I didn't think it was productive or safe to just sit and cry all the time.
3. Trying to take responsibility for everything
4. Anger- anger was mostly directed at myself, then at him, at God, and then at the community in general. this last culminated at the end of the week, which I'll explain in a minute.
(Taken from "the 7 stages of grieving a break up" in Psychology Today)
Furthermore, The enemy had taken sadness and created a mixture of guilt and anger in my heart. I was punishing myself for the whole situation.
Saturday night my friends convinced me to come a to a little house party with them. My friend drove me because the party was pretty far from where I live. On the way I opened up to her about what was going on.
I didn't really brace myself for any particular response as most Christians are inclined to do. I just told her everything. I did a lot of tying to convince her that I was to blame and maybe the relationship should have continued. She asked me a lot of questions then told me about a recent dating experience.
Then, and I don't know how this happened, I started to agree with her that I had made the right decision and that, yes, I do hear from God. It was small and not necessarily noticeable but it was a big step in my healing.
We went even deeper on the ride back and hope began to come back into my heart again. I was so angry and I didn't know why really. It spewed out in blaming our community's lack of community (ironically). And my friend just listened and let me go. Then she redirected my gaze. I began to realize I was pouring out years of pent up disappointment of when I felt like I tried SO hard to make community happen and it didn't.
She wasn't the only person on my healing journey. My roommates asked me everyday how I was doing. I had friends texting and calling me throughout that dark week.
On Sunday my friend from that night asked to pray for me. I felt two more hands on my back. My pastor had come up and he told me to "give it to him[God]." It was so simple but so profound. Why was I holding on to my pain like it was my cross to bear? Then my pastor held me in his arms as I balled like a little child.
3 more friends encouraged me that day with words and also just by hugging me.
Then my pastor and his wife had me over and I ate and joked and laughed and felt like a normal human being for the first time since it had happened. I literally got to be a part of their family that day. That is so something God would do: restore me by being a part of a family.
The Lord says, "I set the lonely in families."
It it's true. When we come to the end of ourselves we have need family to lean on, to speak truth into our hearts, and to build us back up again.
The enemy is seeking to take away our identity and purpose. That's his main goal. Isolation keeps our wheels spinning, peddling away from truth.
Reasons we may seek isolation: they wouldn't understand, They'll condemn me, I have no grace for myself how can I extend grace?
Hmmm...sounds like we are trying to get our act together before we enter our communities. But family was meant for moments in our lives where we need to hash things out. Family was designed by God as a safety net that we can fall into.
Also on Sunday, as soon as church was over a friend bounded over to me and asked for prayer. God always restores us by loving on other members of the family. It was really encouraging to me that even though this person had no idea how far I felt from hope and love that they still came up to me and I was able to bless them.
I learned an incredible lesson from my story it's this: I'm not alone. I thought I was. But I'm NOT. I have people around me who genuinely care about me.
If you think you're alone I promise you, that is not the case. There's a God. He loves you. He has a family for you. I'm so grateful that mine brought me through to the other side.
