Pure Joy

            The last time I updated in December, I asked for you to join me in prayer for a job so that I can continue to afford to live where I am.  That was all I told you.  However, I started asking for a very specific job. From the get-go, I asked the Lord for a very specific amount of money every month.  I have to admit, at first I asked rather timidly, only half-believing he’d do it.  I thought for a time that I was crazy for asking for that much!  I knew it’s exactly what I need, though, so I figured he’d have to make a way if that wasn’t a possible amount.  Eventually I started to ask more boldly.

            Also, since I arrived the Lord had placed this desire in my heart for children.  Everywhere I looked I saw them and longed for them.  I kept applying for nanny positions and things kept falling through.  It got to the point where my heart literally ached when I saw children.  I would go home and weep before the Lord, begging him to either fulfill or take the desire away.

            As I prayed I finally got an interview with a family in January.  I prayed before the interview, “Lord, if this is you, let us have a strong connection as soon as we meet.”  There wasn’t one.  Furthermore, as I walked away from the interview I realized the children were not quite what I desired (even though, up until that moment, I didn’t know what I wanted).  I threw up a quick prayer, “Lord, I want a girl around eleven that I can mentor and be like a big sis to and a little guy I can cuddle with.”

            Not long after, I had gotten e-mail from Smartsitting (the babysitting network I’m a part of here) about a job opportunity.  For one reason or another, I ignored it.  I was closing Panera on a Friday night that week and I got a text from the girl who handles my applications saying, “I think you should apply for this position and you need to do it tonight because she’s holding interviews tomorrow.”

            After work I dashed home, read about the family, was flabbergasted that the description specifically mentioned the need for someone to be like a big sister to an 11-year-old girl and the boy was a cute, cuddly 4-year-old.  I quickly filled out the application. By now it was midnight.  I texted the girl again, “I know it’s late but I just filled out the application and I really want this job.”  She texted back, “I just got you an interview.”

            Long story short, I had an interview the next morning, immediately connected with the family, had a trial the next day, and by Sunday afternoon I was hired.  God is so good!

            I just want to thank you for all of your prayers and encourage you to keep praying for me!  The Lord has answered every prayer I asked for in the last blog.  I asked for continued favor also in the arts world.  I have made some amazing connections with people who will both creatively move me forward and logistically.  For example, at my new job, my boss works for a major casting agency.  The girl I nanny goes to a pretty high profile school so I may even get a chance to meet some famous actors.

            I asked the Lord for community.  In one week, all the Christians came out of the woodwork and started encouraging me.  It was the most amazing and bizarre thing ever!  I connected with a guy and a girl from work (the only ones) who really love the Lord and ended up working with them quite frequently that week so that there was never a moment where I didn’t have their encouragement.  Then, at JHOP I connected with three people who really went out of their way to make sure I was getting connected to the community.

            The Lord is also moving behind the scenes, moving things spiritually.  I asked for an oppressive spirit to be lifted off of me and off of the city and I believe it has.  I cannot tell you how my emotional life has shifted within the last few weeks.  I had to fight so many lies and confusion when I first got here.  Now I think the enemy has learned that he can’t win with lies so he’s trying more subtle tactics.  He’s just not in a very good position as of now, praise God.  Also, I’ve noticed the Lord doing major reconstruction on my heart, teaching me about his love for me as a father and healing old daddy wounds.  Also, I’ve been taken into an intense season of intercession.

            I’m so encouraged because I’m reading through old journal entries and seeing his faithfulness displayed through my life.  Even when I don’t know he’s at work, he’s doing something so incredible!  I always picture him taking these broken pieces of my life and making this beautiful mosaic.  In the moment I always think, “What on earth is this mess?”  Yet the outcome is always beauty.

            I had written in my journal that I was afraid to go to New York because I expected there to be great toil and there wouldn’t be immediate breakthrough.  In one sense this was true.  Yet I have other friends who have been laboring in prayer for things much longer than 3 months and still haven’t received it yet.  That is why I feel so blessed.  I feel almost guilty for feeling so blessed and I want others to be able to share in my joy.  I wonder if that’s what Jesus feels like?  Like he’s just exploding with joy.

            I am truly thankful for all he’s provided.  I don’t have to worry!  I just have to trust his leadership.  He’s so good to me.  It’s not even because of what I see him doing but, like I said, it’s about the mosaic that I don’t see.  So no matter what I’m feeling (we all get emotional highs and lows.  Even tonight I was feeling kind of low because I’m bored and lonely and blaming myself for being bored and lonely), I’ve learned the secret to contentment.

            Here are a few tidbits from my journal entries that I found amusing and very telling about my journey here:

            I asked, “God, I want a job where I can acquire skill for my calling someday.  Please don’t make me work in the restaurant business for the rest of my life.”

            “So I arose and went out into the valley, and behold, the glory of the Lord stood there” (Ezekiel 3:23).  I wrote, “He arose.  Hey obeyed the Lord not knowing what was in the valley.”

            HILARIOUS: I was at the Resting House of Prayer in New Jersey with strike team.  Someone walked over to me and prophesied over me something to the effect of them seeing me as a teacher with small children.  I laughed inwardly thinking “Yeah, right.”

            Now that I think about, Gregg said he saw a picture of me with small children too.  I laughed but that word is definitely being fulfilled.  I also got multiple words about wearing different hats while I’m in New York.

            I wrote, “There’s a lingering thought-maybe I shouldn’t panic.  Maybe there’s a job so much better than Panera out there for me.”

            At the start of my new journal I drew a picture of me pushing away these creatures from Hell on either side of me with great force.  Clearly it was a struggle to do so.  Truly quite a few bleak things had happened to me.  I was under major attack.  I penned under this illustration by far my favorite thing I’ve written: “Indeed I feel that the scourge of the enemy is but a drop in the bucket to the pure joy at my disposal.  He’s raging because I know who I am.  I know my calling and I know who You are.”

           

Prayer requests:

·      Community: I need pillars of righteousness to stand around me.  I need covenant sisters to lock arms with me on this journey in a city full of darkness.  Being shy and independent I have a hard time reaching out to people.

• ·      To be able to continually walk in the opposite spirit.  If the people around me are complaining, that I would be the one who is thankful.
• ·      To be able to be faithful in learning the lessons of servanthood and meekness that he’s laid before me in my job and have grace for myself when I have no idea what I am doing.
• ·      To be faithful to study what he’s told me to study because I need wisdom for what he’s about to do with me.  He’s making me into a Daniel.
• ·      To be bold and daring in how I approach creativity and the arts, holding nothing back.
• ·      Finally, for my health: I have been sick here more than I think I’ve ever been!  Granted, I am now babysitting, but this should not be happening!

The Valentine Blog

An Homage to the Men in my Life: Past, Present, and Future

            Just so you know, I’m not going to use names but I can assure you if you think, “Is she talking about me?” I probably am.  So, whoever you are, thank you from the bottom of my heart for loving me well.  I have no ulterior motives for saying this.  I simply was thinking about men and God’s perfect design of having two genders when I wrote this.  I am not trying to win back anyone or get people to like me.  I am perfectly happy being single.

            I also mean to give credit where it’s due.  Ultimately, Jesus, who is the perfection of man and the image of what man was created to be, is who deserves all the glory.  He’s the one who constantly talks to me and reminds me that I am beautiful and precious to him. 

To begin…

             I don’t have brothers.  I have only one father.  One man, however, cannot begin to portray the perfection of manhood to anyone.  Even if he is an amazing dad, he simply cannot do that.  Because I only had one dad, I have always been blessed with amazing guy friends who became brothers to me and were able to fill in the gaps that were missing in my understanding of the full picture of what God intended man to be and how I am supposed to be treated by him.

            I had a few guy friends growing up in my tight-knit church family who I knew always had my back.  I think what I loved about them was that we did everything together!  My dad worked a lot growing up so we didn’t get to spend a lot of time together.  Through High School I had two particularly awesome guy friends who were incredible gentlemen and handled my heart with such care.  Again, we talked about everything under the sun so I, as one who loves to be understood through my words, felt completely validated.  These guys set the bar very high for any future suitors.  I’m quite happy about that.

            My dad never cooked or talked to me about my emotions.  He was definitely the manly man who worked in the garage and fixed everything in the house.  Because of this, I was blessed in college with guy friends who cooked (one of them went on to study to be a chef)!  These guys were also sensitive and I wanted to be with someone who actually understood how I felt and could synthesize it back to me!

            Side note: I think it’s a profound human experience when you suddenly share something very vulnerable and it is not only accepted but built upon.  As I think about one conversation I had with a friend I realize our entire friendship has been based on this conversation.  If I had not shared that one thing I do not believe we would be friends today.  It is incredible when you’re so used to getting shut down or shoved aside when you truly believe in something to have someone say to you, “I believe that too.”  Yes, this happened too in college.  There was a lot of emotional sharing and tearing that happened in that season, whether necessary or not I’m still not sure.

            Then there was IHOP.  I had been a bit wounded by this point in relationships and men were a bit a scary to me.  I didn’t want to have close relationships with any of them.  I was afraid of myself and of them.  It was fine for a while just keeping my distance but eventually the Lord allowed those walls to crack as he took away my fears and healed my wounds.  Then I began some wonderful friendships with some guys in my class.  These I count as my dearest, closest brothers to this date (they definitely know who they are).  On more than one occasion they would go out of their way to make sure my heart was protected.  When I fearfully brought up boundaries thinking that I was being crazy, they honored them without question and loved me still the more.

            This brings me up to now.  This whole thing actually started with me pondering how guys are so straightforward.  You never have to guess what they’re thinking!  They truly are simple in their thoughts.  Now I’m not trying to stereotype but this is just a general observation: guys are more business like in the sense that they are really good at making decisions and being rational about things.  That again, as I discovered in college, doesn’t mean they can’t be irrational like us.  All humans are capable of much emotion.  But there is a naturally tendency there, maybe not all, but in many to rationalize and fix the problem.

            I think maybe too I’ve come in contact with the more rational ones because that’s what I need: someone to make sense of the craziness that is me.  I’m all over the place.  I’m a problem solver too, in one sense, and I’m constantly trying to solve myself.  For instance, when I was trying to decide what to do after strike, I threw emotions and thoughts at Sam Cerny and he just stared at me, took it all in, and then said, “So, where are you going next?”  What’s the bottom line?  How are you getting from point A to point B?  While the emotions are valid, sometimes they are not important.  I think guys are so wonderful at helping me to understand this.

            Also they are great examples of what the Lord said when he said “let your yes be yes and your no be no.”  They tell you exactly what they want.  I have so enjoyed living with a male in my apartment for the first time in my life.  I know what David expects from me.  He is not afraid to tell me, “I think I’m done talking” when I almost talk his head off verbal-processing.  I’ve been blessed with his endless patience.  Honestly, if I was a guy I would not willingly live with a girl unless I was in love with her.  Us women are crazy!

            I hope that this late night/early morning Valentine’s Day post is helpful to anyone reading who does not know me.  And again, to those of you who I am writing about, I hope that I have portrayed you in the best light possible.  I think we downplay the bonds of friendship between guys and girls and the importance of it.  Yet, as one can see, I have been abundantly blessed by friends who surround me and love me even when I’m afraid to let them in.  Jesus is like that.  He loves us and is gentle to our hearts.  He won’t leave us but he will never force his way in.  He waits until we are ready to love him in return.