The Lies we tell

There’s been a pile up lately of things I see that I want that others seem to have. I see all my friends having their first, second, and third babies and they are so cute. I texted my friend who I went to Bible school with today (we are the same age) and he texted me a snapshot of his second child crawling.  I see my boyfriend and acting class mates actually fulfilling my dreams of performing their craft. On top of that I find out that my friends are writing beautiful worship songs. I feel left behind, like I’m missing out, and like I’m missing something that I should’ve learned long ago, but what? This gnawing discontentment with my circumstances pervades all other feelings.

I am taking an acting class where each person’s current goal is to show up and be present and fully experience their emotions. We choose activities and stories behind those activities that bring us to this emotional experience. I chose today to experience the feeling of guilt and it actually surprised me how much I felt it when I normally hold my emotions in my chest.  But then another girl in my class chose the same feeling. She screamed and cried: it was riveting to watch. I quickly jotted down in my notes “She experienced guilt better than me.”

My classmate sitting next to me saw the note and said, “that’s a lie.” She took my notebook and pen and scribbled over it and then drew this beautiful branch in its place. That’s when I started to cry.

This and other things have got me thinking about the lies we tell ourselves when we let comparison take root. We can’t live our truth if we are constantly declaring over ourselves our unworthiness.

I was thinking about Zechariah in the Bible. The angel Gabriel told him that he and his wife would bear a son and he questioned Gabriel. Zechariah wondered, “How can this be since Elizabeth and I are past child bearing years?” The angel said it would be and then told him he would be mute until the child’s birth. I believe he made him quiet because he was believing lies, not truth.  The angel didn’t want him declaring doubts into the atmosphere anymore. The truth would win.

God created the world by his words.  The Bible says: “death and life are in the power of the tongue.”  What we say is truly powerful.

James uses two analogies to make the point that if man bridles his tongue he can bridle everything. He describes how we put bits into the mouths of horses and are able through that to guide their entire bodies.  He then compares the tongue to the rudder of a ship.  “So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things.  How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness.”

I love the way James poses the question.  How can these things be coming out of your mouths? How can you curse when you also bless? He also says it’s impossible for man to tame the tongue.  His questions and his declarations point to a higher truth. We need God to speak life into us so that we can speak life.

The very same passage James says, “But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic.” (verse 14)

I know what I was doing was related to boasting in bitter jealousy.  I compare myself to everyone around me and see myself as less-than. I started speaking that over myself.  No wonder I’m insecure! No wonder I feel worthless. I just declared it over myself! I made an internal agreement with the Devil that I will never measure up and I spoke it over myself.  In my mind, saying it sort of softened the blow. “See! I knew it! It can’t hurt me now!” But instead I’ve become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The irony is that from day one of our classes our teacher warned us to not compare our progress to other people in our class. The truth is I know that the season I am in is amazing.  I’m not ready to be a mother. I’m not ready be on Broadway.  It’s just when I look around me….

It reminds me of when Peter took his eyes off Jesus and fell back into the water.  How to get out of the predicament I am in is really quite simple.  I have to find the Voice that speaks louder than the accuser. I have ask Him what he thinks of me right here, right now. I have to take my gaze off the people around me. I have to shut my own mouth until he fills it with truth.

To the Lonely Hearts

I remember being moved to tears by the movie “the shape of water.” It was the woman’s perspective that gripped me the most. She was a social outcast and felt deeply alone. I understood that kind of loneliness all too well.

Since I started dating this great guy women from my Christian circles have been flocking to me, wanting to know all the secrets. Why me and not them? I can sense the same loneliness in them.

If I think back on that stage of my life and how deeply alone I felt I realize I had to go through a process and that process is a process we will all continually have to go through in one way or another.

The culture around you will tell you that your needs will be met in romance and from a certain perspective I can see where they are coming from. Deep friendship, deep intimacy with another person is transformative. It just is. 

The process that I had to go through however was not finding a man or friends or journaling or whatever you think it was. It was learning to tend the garden of my heart before God. I found that all my needs are met in Jesus.

I’m not saying it’s not normal to feel lonely. I think our approach to loneliness as Christians should be to instantly bring that to our Father in Heaven. Does he instantly meet that need in him? Sometimes. Does he ultimately? Always. The more you let him massage your heart in those areas the more you will find freedom.

If our loneliness is to be met in God than why do we still long for relationship? I believe it’s an outward manifestation of an inward reality. When your heart is so transformed by love all you want to do is share that love with someone else and deeply.

Your deep relationship with Jesus will ultimately be the standard that protects you in choosing a mate.  You can hold him to high standard because of your relationship with Jesus.  No, he is an imperfect human, but he should smell a lot like Jesus. Anything else isn’t worth your time.

I used to ask this question a lot: “What do I do now while I wait?” (I waited 30 years, ya’ll.)

This is my charge to you: meditate on love. Now when I’m talking about love I’m not talking about the cultural drivel of romance we were taught that ultimately stems from our selfish humanity. No, I’m talking about 1 Corinthian 13 love. I’m taking about unconditional, sacrificial love. You receive what you give in this area. As you become love you will attract love and love will be your portion forever.

Final and practical thoughts (Paul always did this in his letters so why not here?)

Ask yourself hard questions and hold yourself to those things.

Are you setting your standard of perfection too high or too low? What do you want in a partner and are you truly asking God for it and believing?

This believing part can be hard for some of us who have been deeply hurt by men before. One of my favorite songs by Glen Hansaard is called Bird of Sorrow. In it he says “you’re prostrate bowed but not believing.” But his ultimate encouragement is “love will find you again. Just be ready then.”

This is America: Oklahoma the Broadway Musical

Last night I watched Oklahoma! the St. Ann's Warehouse transplant to Circle in the Square Theatre. This is the type of the theatre I love: where someone takes the concept of a show and asks "What if?"  Actors do this in their process but in the actual creation of a show, committing to going as far as you can in a direction is riveting to watch. Like the quick but dense song "This is America" this production uses it's theatrical prowess to shed light on important issues facing America today.

Stripped down from the original full orchestra production, at points the audience would literally be in the dark listening to people practically whispering over microphones.  With a 5 person band, what would normally be large orchestral numbers were often sung by one person a cappella. A few intimate moments were shown as on camera close ups. The orchestra was onstage and they were very much a part of the story.

For an extremely high price you could sit on the stage with the performers.  As inspecting these audience members I saw what one would normally see: older white people and young celebrities who hid their countenance from the world with sunglasses. I did see two Asian men, which isn't really strange though they were the only non-white people there. It made me start to imagine that they were very rich businessmen from Tokyo or something (which could be totally untrue!). Then I started to wonder if that's who they were, what did they think of the show?

That's when I started to really think about the entire concept of the show and why we are reviving it here and now.  To me, the creators are reflecting our roots to us and showing both the light, celebratory side and the darker side of our country. The immersive aspect of the show invites the audience members to sit and eat at the same table. We are suddenly a community.  We are all a part of and responsible for this shared space.

It's clear as soon as you walk into the theatre.  Plywood walls line the perimeter and hanging on the walls are rifles.  We are suddenly transported into the wild west, a place that still perfectly reflects our southern neighbors. One of the musicians had a slide guitar. It reminded me of when I was kid I used to do country line dancing. Suddenly I was a part of this production too.

Curly's entrance has become so familiar to us all, it was refreshing to see how clearly the director comments on his character.  It was immediately clear to me that Curly was a very sensitive young man and that his gun slinging, machismo was very much put on, even more so as he desperately attempts to woo Laurie. Her reaction though is the opposite. She doesn't respond well at all to this kind of behavior.  We are all aware how ridiculous men can be when they are trying to woo a woman but lying about your suped up ride or "surrey with the fringe on top" doesn't fly.

The song "Oh the farmer and the cowmen should be friends" is probably the easiest thing to relate to in our American culture of polarization.  The song is brilliant in that it's a catchy chorus but in the verses the two rival groups take jabs at each other.  In the middle of the song it boils over and they almost start a fight.  It calms down enough for them to finish. As a hopeful cowman continues to sing "Territory folks should stick together."  It reminded me of how group prejudice is everywhere and the rise of racism and neo-natzi's is proving that the division that our country began with is alive and well today.  Our human tendency to side with the familiar and demonize the other was all too real as I watched this story unfold.

In this show the modern exploration of the theme of sex, specifically in how men and women relate to each other when they want it, took the heat from medium low and turned it to high.  I think the way I had seen this show before, it took the point of view of being playful with the idea of sex but also there was a purity about it.  In other words, religious overtones screamed easy does it.  In this production however, the only person hiding their desire was Laurie, at first, and her motives did not seem puritanical.  Like our modern culture that celebrates sex, each character was unapologetic in their desire. 

As soon as Ado Annie hit the stage she was the strongest female sex goddess I have ever seen. She was primal in her power and it was revetting to watch. Her take on Annie as innocent was that she was discovering and exploring sex and it was fun and she just was the way she was and she wasn't going to change at all.

There was a song, I think it was "People will say we're in love," where Curly and Laurie are hardcore flirting with each other.  I love how over the top it was where normally this number is coy and veiled like Laurie is at the top of the show.  But isn't that how we are in real life when we just start dating and are trying to impress someone?  At one point Curly grabs a guitar and she goes "Not the guitar." By the end of the number he is singing on a microphone and playing the guitar and she is full out dancing to his song. It switches to their fantasy and in it he's singing softly to her and she is close to him. Her movements aren't even overtly sexual, she's just unusually close to him. It's enough that she's near to him for us to feel the desire that he feels pulling at every part of his being.

As we are still reeling from the #Metoo movement and everyone is talking about consent, I was very intrigued to see how it was handled.  From the moment we are introduced to Judd he is a character to be feared.  Laurie admits that she goes to the dance with him because she's afraid of him. And therein lies the beginning of a conversation on consent. She doesn't want to be near him. She does what he wants out of fear. But this finally reaches a point where even she says no and the director chooses to take it there. The lights of the theatre are off and we hear him unbuckle his pants. Suddenly Laurie rises up in defiance and fires him. Everyone is proud of her but we feel the pain and the fear because of how she has been treated.

I was immediately struck by how character of Judd was played. He could easily pass as any one of the mentally unstable mass shooters we have read about over the years. He had a creepy obsession and possessiveness over Laurie. It was clear though from his conversation with Curly that he was struggling with deep pain and desired approval so desperately.

From the beginning, the use of guns to protect foreshadows their violent use later on.  The very real age-old father protecting his daughter by threatening a man with less than perfect intentions was there from the get-go.  We do tend to laugh at this but it's also primal, and scary and a force to be reckoned with. Next, Curly and Judd use guns to compete and intimidate each other as they dual for the heart of Laurie.  Curly creepily woos Judd into believing he'd be better off dead, making the ending where someone is shot and killed even more poignant.

Oklahoma! tells a story elevating hot button issues that are on the American conscience today: toxic masculinity, group prejudice, the roles of men and women, consent, and gun violence. My prayer is that America would not react the way they do in the musical to the words "for we know we belong to the land and the land we belong to is grand." But would instead take it to heart and begin to respect the land and each other with a stronger, fiercer love and courage.

Shower Thoughts on Feminism

I strongly react to things emotionally then go back and process why I am strongly reacting and sometimes it takes weeks or months! About a month ago (July 18th, to be exact. I’m also working on remembering things.) I watched the movie Toy Story 3. I cried and cried and came away with such a deep feeling of being affirmed in what I believe.

I mentioned to a church friend that I loved the movie and she said she didn’t because of the strong feminist agenda. I instantly felt personally attacked. That’s why I loved it! Women making strong choices, women confronting deep pain, women leading well, the consequences of women not being listened to being bad etc.

I went to the beach that Saturday with two of my closest friends and vented to them about the interaction expecting (like the reactions I get from my very feminist best friend) to be affirmed in my belief system. Instead, they sided with my other church friend saying they disagreed with the whole feminist agenda.

As I sat there I was again offended and hurt but I realized I had nothing really to argue with them. Their points seemed sound.  Maybe I was just emotionally very hurt. I felt in that moment my inner voice (God) tell me to listen to them. I realized that I tell people all the time to listen to people that espouse different views from their own but in my own frustration I wasn’t following my own advice.

In the aftermath, as I mulled over what they said, I realized that its important for me to be challenged in what I believe so that I can really think about why I believe that. Do I believe it just because my best friend who thinks through things does? Often my beliefs are so strong because I feel them strongly not because I’ve actually thought about why I believe them.

One thing I think about when I process through this belief is my own experience of the patriarchy and men not listening to me. There was a long period of time where  as a worship leader I lived in the shadow of the men worship leaders around me. Now I know some of that was the will of man and some of it was God’s will for me to grow and learn.

During that season I came under the leadership of a guy I really respected. I found myself deferring to him and giving up my leadership because I wanted to see him grow.

Then some restructuring happened at our church and I ended up on another team- a team full of women leaders!  It was there that I discovered my long hidden voice. It was there that I became confident in my own decisions and was given a position of leadership and authority not as a “co-lead” under the covering of a man, but on my own or under the covering of another woman. I was surprised by this but I actually have experienced the most growth in this leadership model.

Around the same time as my beach conversation my best friend from college visited me. She had recently started attending church again and noted how one pastor’s sermon on the submission passage in Ephesians resonated with her.  She said he said that women step into positions of leadership because men aren’t stepping up.  The pastor furthermore said women don’t have to lead.  It really bothered me at the time and I didn’t know why. All I knew was here was a strong woman saying that she agreed with those words that in my mind totally cut her down. 

Now I’m realizing why this bothered me. His words are a positive reframing of an old patriarchal trope: that women are not designed to lead. It made my

blood boil because I know in my spirt I am designed to lead!

Going back to my previous example of leading worship at my church.  If I continued to be in that leadership model of deferring to men who led me, I wouldn’t have grown as a leader or human. I know for a fact that if I had stayed on that team I would have always been deferring to him. Now, when I play with him, I confidently make decisions. I don’t usurp his leadership but I definitely step out in my own.  I mean, the very confidence I am developing is actually related to the confidence (humility) it takes to question my own beliefs (i.e. write this)!

I started watching this show The Good Place on Netflix and I’m obsessed. There’s this character Chiti who I most idenitify with.  Like him I verbally process to reach certain conclusions but usually those conclusions leave me uncertain about more things!

The point is: as I’m thinking about both of these thoughts on feminism. I recognize that often my reaction to men comes out of a place of hurt, fear, and self protection. If I was loved well by men I wouldn’t react so strongly. BUT I also recognize that women are designed for leadership. Look at Debra in the Bible! Look at Proverbs 31. You don’t see a Proverbs 32 where Solomon adds “and she did all these things because her husband wasn’t stepping up.” No, she did them because she was designed to. She did them because she wanted to.  People should not use the Bible to tear women away from roles of leadership that they should be in.

The ultimate conclusion is that men and women were designed for partnership with one another. Yet they cannot have this partnership that is fully healthy without first acknowledging what they separately and equally carry.  Powerful people are not frightened of powerful people. They do not try to usurp each other’s power. They build on it.

The Why Behind the Wait

I was always the why kid.  But I hid my questions out of shame. I think all kids should be why kids. The questions I think are great tools for digging to greater truth. 

The reality is that we have rules or boundaries for a reason. God loves us so much that he’s placed boundary lines around us to keep us safe. When we ask questions about things, we find more profound truth because he has an answer to everything.

Dig deeper.

What are my values, rules, or boundaries?  One Christian principle that I have consistently wrestled with God about is no sex before marriage. Why? What does that look like? Are two really important questions I have to define for myself as a believer. I know that if I don’t, I will easily dismiss the whole thing and miss the beautiful purposes of God’s heart for me for freedom.

Dig deeper.

I want my kids to know that certain things are reserved for deeper intimacy. Not just sex. But there’s a reason we say things like “it’s too soon to say I love you.” Because we know deep in our hearts that we haven’t wrestled on a deep level with the meaning of that word for that individual in our lives.

Trauma is like that. If we go through trauma and don’t expose it and wrestle with what it has done to us, it subconsciously becomes a part of us effecting everything we do. That’s why there’s a process. That’s why people say it takes time to heal. It really does!  We turn our pain over like stones in our hands and cast them before the feet of the father never to be picked up again.

The why of everything is so important!  We have to know what it is that we need and want and fit it in our value system. We have to know who we are and who we are capable of being. I guess the heart of it all is intention. How intentional are we in the choices we make? How do the things we do effect the people around us?

In a class I recently took at my church I discovered that even though my intentions are good, I can unintentionally hurt myself and other people because of my own anxieties. My fear can cause me distance people, to take too much responsibility for things that aren’t mine to take, and become too engrossed in a relationship without getting my own needs met.

Dig deeper.

What is the fear I’m trying to quell? What is the lie I am believing? Is it a result of unforgiveness in my heart toward someone or myself? How do I proceed?

Shared Space

What does it mean to share space with another individual?

I think New Yorkers understand this question all too well. We share a subway with each other everyday. We can’t afford our own apartments so we move into tiny apartments filled with other humans. Shared space is inevitable.

I was thinking about this particularly after I had just had a long discussion with my theatre group about building a physical space together for our work and the amount of sacrifice that would be. Yet, to us, the cultivation of that shared space is the most important.

I think in order to have a shared space that functions well there needs to be a level of trust and communication. I walked onto the subway after this discussion and the only space I could find to stand, a guy was leaning his whole body up against the pole while his girlfriend comfortably held on next to him. I was uncomfortable but I didn’t say anything. First mistake.

However, interestingly, even after his girlfriend informed him that I was holding on super high because he was hogging the pole, he did nothing to change his actions.

So I learned that yes communication is necessary if everyone wants to be able to share the space equally and comfortably. But also, sometimes even after communication that is not possible. That shared space becomes hostile.  There is no longer trust that we each have the collective’s best interest at heart.

A truly beautiful shared space I believe not only has communication and trust but it also shares vision. Vision asks what can this space become? Vision is transformative.  

Vision requires sacrifice to build.  If we collectively pool our resources we can transform an ordinary space into a beautiful space. Sometimes the transformation is simple. I bought a shower curtain because I was tired of not having a shower curtain. My dream though would be to sit down with my roommates and be able to communicate our personal visions about our shared space (I did this years ago then our situation changed) just as I am doing with this theatre group.

Not every space we occupy will have these ideals I strive for in my shared space. I recognize that. I hope though that when someone shares a space with me that the space somehow transforms when we leave it. 

As a believer I think Jesus’ answer to a similar question is a wonderful rule to live by. He taught “love your neighbor as yourself.” Someone asked him, “Who is my neighbor?” He responded with a story. 

In the story two people from two separate communities were traveling through the same location. One was attacked by robbers and left there to die. The other found him and cared for him, while others who were supposedly more connected to the man by religion or values, passed him by.

His answer was that everyone who occupies the same space as you in a given moment of time is your neighbor. Therefore, love that person as yourself.

This was why I found myself crying when I watched Black Panther. The central question was the same “who is my neighbor? What space am I responsible for?” This tribe did not just save their own they went after the poor communities that also needed much.

What if we collectively took care of the spaces we lived in? What if we cared about the people who share space with us? What if we had vision to transform a space from one thing into another thing?  These are important questions we need to set out to answer for ourselves.

Emotions Aren’t the Bad Guy

I knew a girl once who, though she knew she was pregnant, refused to admit it. Her state of denial made moving forward difficult. She didn’t want to go to prenatal check ups when her husband urged her. She didn’t want to plan for the future. She was stuck in her denial.

What I’ve learned in this season is that I’m similar to her. A mixture of pride and fear have kept me locked in denial - have kept me from moving forward.

What started this realization process in me was when someone told me something and I had a strong reaction to it. I literally burst into tears and couldn’t stop crying. I was shocked, scared even because I had believed I was entirely in touch with my emotions.

I called a friend who is a counselor because I honestly thought everyone else would judge me for even having emotions.  He talked me through it and then suggested that I journal every time I had an emotion. I scoffed at his simplistic idea.

I knew what I needed to do. I was reacting to some sort of wounding and I needed God to speak to me. I needed to feel his love. I needed to know who I was to him. Besides, I thought, I have multiple emotions in a given moment.  Writing them down would feed me being over dramatic. I didn’t want to dwell on emotions that weren’t from God. I just needed to fix my gaze on Jesus and everything was else would fall into place.

Jesus in his goodness did exactly what I asked him to do. He came in power and grace and lifted me into a new perspective. I felt like I got saved again.  From that place,my emotions weren’t as dramatic. Everything was going as I believed it would...or so I thought.

Yet even though I was on a spiritual high, my human emotions (though less dramatic) didn’t go away. So my friend’s idea was still hung around in the back of my mind.

I realized I couldn’t get healed if I kept declaring that nothing was as wrong. Once I was able to admit to myself that I was disappointed God was able to pinpoint the ugly comparison lurking in my heart as a lie from the enemy.

The enemy wants feelings to stay buried and hidden so that we don’t get healed. Part of his strategy is us judging our emotions. I personally have felt like a failure when I haven’t just gotten over something. When someone looks at me and tells me I’m wounded it doesn’t really help me. When they tell me to just declare God’s goodness and ignore what I’m feeling then that is fake to me.  Because I kept declaring I was fine when I wasn’t I couldn’t move on.

I am thinking about all this because it happened again recently.  My instinct when I burst into tears was to judge myself. My words over and over again as I stumbled in shock, “I thought I was ok...I’m not ok” speak to this.

So instead of freaking out on myself, I noted the emotion. I wrote it down in my journal.  Suddenly I can breathe. Suddenly it’s outside of me, in front of me on a peace of paper. It’s not attached to my identity. It just IS.

Human emotion is ok because it’s human. We are still being transformed from glory to glory.

I think as Christians we are prone to deny what we feel because we know what we should be. We put timelines on our emotions. But physical healing doesn’t work that way so why should emotional?

I think I’m particularly fascinated that I’m coming back to this place because my parents had ingrained in me that being emotional was bad. Then during my mid section time in New York I took an acting class and I started to feel all these feelings and give myself permission to feel things. At that time, opening that door without Holy Spirit led me into a world of pain. So maybe subconsciously I have recoiled from that experience back into my old belief system.

Emotions are not the problem. They are simply indicator lights. It would be unwise to turn them off. Our engine might combust and we would never know. 

I realized that emotions are not meant to be attached to my self worth. They do not mean I am sliding backwards.

I am ok actually. I am not where I was a year ago, six months ago, or even a month ago. I’m glad I had this experience because if I hadn’t I wouldn’t be able to share it with you.