Thoughts on Process

In the process 

In the waiting

You’re making melody over me

Process. Process is a hard word for me. For instance, today I had my first piano lesson. I had been attempting for a month to teach myself to play and had hit a wall. What I discovered from this small lesson was my incredible impatience I have with myself.

When I would mess up I would instantly be so frustrated with myself. My teacher however didn’t act surprised. She just let me try over and over again. She broke things down so they were easy for me. She kept saying, “This is normal. You’re adding more complicated things. It’s ok to feel like you’re starting over when you add the second hand.” She literally sat with me and played the piece with me until I got it.

I feel like this is a beautiful example of how God is with us in our process. He’s not surprised by what we see as failure. It doesn’t daunt him. He keeps validating our identity in him.  “Just because you’re struggling again does not mean you failed and you can’t try anymore. It just means you’re stepping into something greater” I hear him say. Then he sits down with us and walks us through it!

When I’m impatient with myself and someone else is so incredibly patient with me I’m forced to recognize that the only thing holding me back is myself. The battle truly is in our minds.

I think it’s because I have this voice whispering in my ear the entire time. It’s whispering “you’re not getting it. You can’t get it. You’ll never understand.”

That’s not true though, is it? We can accomplish anything eventually if given the time and practice and a good teacher. We cannot expect perfection from ourselves. We will always fall short.

Do you find yourself impatient with yourself? Maybe you’re  impatient with the process.  What kind of self-defeating thoughts do you hear in your head? What thoughts can you replace them with?

Today I’m going to choose to think:

You will get this. (I can do anything with him who gives me strength)

You do not need to be ashamed (who told you you were naked?)

You are enough (I am fearfully and wonderfully made)

Why I Kissed Dating Hello Again: The Beginning of My Online Dating Journey

I was getting really frustrated with the church at large for their lack of a healthy dating culture.  Then I was suddenly confronted with my own fears of dating.  I kept thinking, “It’s not my problem, it’s the men who need to get it together.”  It was a classic case of looking at the speck in someone else’s eye and ignoring the life-threatening trauma in my own.

I had been getting multiple nudges from Holy Spirit about this.  It came to a head when I told my mentor I want to be in a relationship and he told me to join a dating site.  He said, “You’ll learn so much about yourself.”

My comeback was: “I don’t want to learn about myself. I already know about myself.”

I did.  In my humble opinion, I thought my 2 months of dating, my break up, and the last guy I was interested in qualified me for being super secure in what I like and in my ability to be in a relationship.  And I am certainly secure in who I am.  All the while I was unaware of lies mingling under the surface causing me to be stuck in my ways (these I will highlight in italics as they appear).  I was all, “I met the guy I want.  He doesn’t want me.  I’m just gonna sit tight until God brings me one who actually likes me.”

Sounds a bit like a victim spirit.

I joined Coffee Meets Bagel out of obedience to my mentor.  I was just going to make a profile, look at a couple of profiles, and maybe going out with one person.  The more I opened myself up to opinions on dating and the process of online dating though, the more God started ministering to my heart in unexpected ways.

What I discovered was these roadblocks in my own heart.  When a guy approached me in a way I wasn’t comfortable with, my knee jerk reaction was first to just be nice to him and let him continue.  Then when it got unbearable it was to ignore him.  This was the first test in my ability to be honest and set clear boundaries.  Thinking I failed I wanted to quit the dating scene altogether.  “Well, I tried.”

Sounds like a fear of failure.

 Then I messaged a friend who had encouraged me to start and told him what happened.  He was quick to push me back into it again.

The next guy was great! But my defenses went up so quick over one small word he said about his faith.  I was instantly catapulted into my past relationships with guys who just wanted to be with me because I was a good Christian girl and I made them better.  Everything in me wanted to ghost him at that point.

Sounds like a fear from past trauma.

What an incredible learning opportunity!  I didn’t need to leave the conversation.  I needed to find out more information.  I needed to investigate the honest truth of this situation.  I was comparing this poor guy to my past.  I also learned that when I open a door too quickly I can go back and shut it.  That’s ok too!  As long as I’m honest about what I’m feeling it’s ok.

It’s about the growing process.

I’m not on Coffee Meets Bagel now because I want the attention, or I’m lonely, or that I’ll even increase the chances of finding a mate, although I’m thankful that those things come into play.  I feel the primary reason for doing it is growth.

This whole season God’s been healing my heart, teaching me about myself and how to set boundaries.  I don’t have to pour out my heart to people. I can wait for them to make a move.  Conversely, I am free as a woman to initiate things if I want to.  I always thought that things just happened to me.  I’m learning though that setting good boundaries also means that I can tell people that the way they are relating to me is not ok with me (I know for some people this may sound rudimentary but honestly that’s where I’m at).  I used to be afraid of dating because I felt obligated to people.

That doesn’t sound like loving in TRUTH.

Think about it, you go to school.  You learn something.  But if you just have book knowledge and don’t test it out, that stuff will die.  I have an opportunity to go on an internship with God.  I’m not going to turn that down.