I’m new to plants. A week or so ago I was sad that my plant was browning and thought for sure I had killed it (as I had killed its brother a month prior). Then something crazy happened. A new shoot rose obstinately from this very same stalk. I was overjoyed. Life from death? Is this even possible? My hope springing from this plant reminds me of my life in so many ways.
Unknowingly I’m following some sort of rhythm of written thoughts as I sit down to write and realize that my last post was nearly exactly a month ago. I find it interesting that I spoke prophetically into this season of hope, clinging to the excitement of a new job. Interestingly I spent most of last month in a cloud of depression.
Any new job is an adjustment for anyone. With my limited physical capacity due to long COVID I feared that I would never adjust. In addition, I was already sad because a year into this I’m still in pain every day. On top of everything, not knowing I would have a job, I had signed up for two online classes. All I could physically do was work (mind you, I only work five hours a day), my homework, and sleep. I would go to work, barely make it through, and then crash for a nap, get up, do my homework, and crash for the night, wake up, and repeat. Two weeks wore into three and I got even more depressed realizing I hadn’t come above water yet. My mood plummeted.
I got to the point where I had to take a week off from homework. I checked in with my heart and with God. 45 min in the morning and or at night when I was exhausted wasn’t enough for a true heart-to-heart. I can’t say there wasn’t a dramatic shift in my emotions but I started to be able to at least enjoy one of my classes (I wrote an outline for a musical that I’m proud of), even if I felt the worst physically than I’ve ever felt. I went to small group and was really raw for two weeks about my sadness and anger (in my mind, though I’m sure people didn’t notice). And then after two quiet times this week I woke up this morning and the cloud of depression had lifted. I felt the shift.
Two things I noticed right away: I was excited about life and was thinking of socializing not to meet my own needs but to really be a part of a community again. I was also really thankful. I wanted to sing and worship God all morning.
I was reminded of the story of the leper from the Bible who was healed along with a whole group of other lepers. The others left but this leper came back to Jesus and thanked him for healing him. Jesus asked, “Where are the others?” I don’t think he meant this as a rule that you’re supposed to thank him. I think the invitation was for relationship. I think that’s always the invitation with Jesus.
The leper could have turned back with the others and still continued to experience his breakthrough. His healing was already manifest. But there’s a treasure for us when we turn to God whether we have breakthrough, or we don’t. There’s treasure to be mined in that relationship.
My physical condition has not changed. This has been the most dark and isolating season of my entire life. Yet there’s a sense of hope from my Christian walk that is always present. We can walk in love in the darkness, we can walk in truth in the darkness, but if we don’t have hope in the darkness, we have not turned to Jesus yet.
I will say I didn’t feel hope this whole month despite thinking I was turning to God. I think that’s perfectly ok! God was speaking all the while, holding my hand, reminding me of who I am. I just couldn’t step into the hope yet, for whatever reason. I do not fully understand this yet but I do know this: we have to be honest about how we feel and be able to hold that in tension with the truth that God is working all things for good. Faith is the bridge between. Sometimes Christians desiring to stir faith (I’m guilty of this) ignore their emotions and proclaim peace when there is no peace. Jesus held these truths in tension. He wept with Mary for Lazarus and then went to the grave and resurrected him. The Bible is full of these paradoxes. God, furious with evil and ready to defend the cause of the downtrodden holds back and waits and weeps.
I watched Over the Moon last night and I felt like God was speaking to my heart in this last season. Grief and loss are real. But there is a time when it’s healthy and good to let go of the pain and place it in God’s hands. (This is not to say we will ever stop grieving. Grief comes in cycles. However, death has lost its hold on the ones who choose life.) No one else can truly discern that time of letting go for us but there is a time. As Tye Tribbett prophesies in song, “Now is the time to turn back to God.”
