Dealing with Rejection

I was listening to this song by St. Vincent called New York when the epiphany hit. The lyrics are (sorry in advance for the explicity):

New York isn't New York

Without you, love

So far in a few blocks

To be so low

And if I call you from First Avenue

Where you're the only motherfucker in the city

Who can handle me

The epiphany was this: part of my aftermath of being rejected was to attempt to keep this fantasy going that he’s the only guy who can “handle” me.  I felt like there was an instant exposure of a lie that I think we are all guilty of believing. Think about it.  “But, he’s the only guy who GETS me”, “he’s the ONLY guy I’m compatible with.”

Maybe right now he is.  Maybe he’s actually not and you just don’t see it. Either way the question is: how is that helping you deal with the reality that he’s not interested in you?  This lie is detrimental to the process of moving on. It gets us emotionally stuck in a fantasy that will never play out in reality.

This is a big one for me because I sort of like the drama. I like creating this dramatic fantasy life where I get into these passionate arguments with the men I’m interested in.  I think it’s just part of who I am. But honestly, if I go there, it’s not good for me.

Im only sharing this after 28 years of not handling rejection well. As I’ve grown I’ve learned a lot about healthy and unhealthy ways of moving on. Honestly, it’s not even about doing it RIGHT it’s- how do quickly do you want to move on into a fuller more vibrant life? Its a choice.  There are also deep identity issues that try to attach themselves to relationships. I’ve had to learn to sort those out. I’ve learned to come from a place of self worth.  Here are

just  a few more tips I’ve learned along the way:

• Discern and avoid self pity and unforgiveness.

• In the past I was all “oh it’s a problem I with me. I’m a terrible human.” And then I’d spend so much time trying to win the guy back. As I’m more settled in my identity the temptation is to say “he should like me. I’m freakin attractive!”  Both aren’t good. Recognize that people have choices and that’s a good thing. Forgive them for any way you thought that they led you on.

• If you’re a believer, Feast on the spirit of God:

• Pray in tongues and read the Bible everyday your mind will be renewed and your likely to catch this lies and choice truth quicker
• Ask God questions and sit and wait for the answer
• For instance, last night I was really lonely and I just said “help” because in situations like this in the past I’d make a poor choice. Do you know what he did? He simply said, “do you know how much I love you?”  

• Listen to songs that fill you with hope

• Don’t listen to songs like the St. Vincent one. Pay attention to lyrics about regret and the past and focus on the present and the future.

• Open up

• Be willing to share your struggles and ask for guidance from trustworthy pastors/mentors in your life