After Therapy Sessions with Myself

I was chatting with my therapist about how I have this pressure on me to make big life decisions right now and it all just feels so daunting.  I have this fear that if I don't figure it out now it won't happen.  I am disillusioned by the things that I wanted to see happen not happening and deeply afraid that nothing will ever happen for me.

I described my vision or motivation in life as these flashes of light.  I explained that before it was like light out everywhere and there was a clear path in front of me. Now it feels like these small flashes here and there that don't seem interconnected in any way.

One of the reasons I always come back to the movie PS I Love you is that embedded in this reverse rom-com is the idea of grief and feeling like your life is never going to begin leading you to understand what you were truly passionate about to begin with.  For years since I first saw the movie I've related so much to the main character in the first scene (I used to watch the first scene on repeat).  I'm deepening my understanding as to why I feel so connected to her insecurities. 

In the first scene, she has an argument with her husband about something he told her mom. What you see unfold is her  her unhappiness and also her deep desire to control everything and make it just right.  When she met her husband they were both artists trying to make their way in the world. Now they are working in regular jobs just trying to survive in New York City. Of course this is relatable to so many people (particularly artists) but, I don't know, I feel the keenness of this relation today probably because it's so clear in the scene that he is happy and secure in who he is and she is not.  I feel this in my own relationship. I feel this in relationship to my art as well.

PS I Love You is a love story- but it's not about her and her husband. From the beginning the set up was the relationship between Holly and herself. That is the most important relationship there is. It takes the entire movie for her to find herself again and discover happiness. 

Now, I don't have a movie budget nor (spoiler alert) a dead Irish husband to show me all of the things I need to see to get myself back to myself. But I do have a therapist and therapy sessions where I talk about myself and confuse the heck out of my therapist with the tangents that I go on. But life is confusing and not necessarily a clear, bright path.  Sometimes it's just flashes. Sometimes it's an argument with your husband.  Sometimes it's death. Sometimes it's writing a confusing blog post you will probably delete later or a song that no one will get to hear you sing or a melody that only you understand and that's ok because it will get you one step closer to happiness and that's what really matters.