I strongly react to things emotionally then go back and process why I am strongly reacting and sometimes it takes weeks or months! About a month ago (July 18th, to be exact. I’m also working on remembering things.) I watched the movie Toy Story 3. I cried and cried and came away with such a deep feeling of being affirmed in what I believe.
I mentioned to a church friend that I loved the movie and she said she didn’t because of the strong feminist agenda. I instantly felt personally attacked. That’s why I loved it! Women making strong choices, women confronting deep pain, women leading well, the consequences of women not being listened to being bad etc.
I went to the beach that Saturday with two of my closest friends and vented to them about the interaction expecting (like the reactions I get from my very feminist best friend) to be affirmed in my belief system. Instead, they sided with my other church friend saying they disagreed with the whole feminist agenda.
As I sat there I was again offended and hurt but I realized I had nothing really to argue with them. Their points seemed sound. Maybe I was just emotionally very hurt. I felt in that moment my inner voice (God) tell me to listen to them. I realized that I tell people all the time to listen to people that espouse different views from their own but in my own frustration I wasn’t following my own advice.
In the aftermath, as I mulled over what they said, I realized that its important for me to be challenged in what I believe so that I can really think about why I believe that. Do I believe it just because my best friend who thinks through things does? Often my beliefs are so strong because I feel them strongly not because I’ve actually thought about why I believe them.
One thing I think about when I process through this belief is my own experience of the patriarchy and men not listening to me. There was a long period of time where as a worship leader I lived in the shadow of the men worship leaders around me. Now I know some of that was the will of man and some of it was God’s will for me to grow and learn.
During that season I came under the leadership of a guy I really respected. I found myself deferring to him and giving up my leadership because I wanted to see him grow.
Then some restructuring happened at our church and I ended up on another team- a team full of women leaders! It was there that I discovered my long hidden voice. It was there that I became confident in my own decisions and was given a position of leadership and authority not as a “co-lead” under the covering of a man, but on my own or under the covering of another woman. I was surprised by this but I actually have experienced the most growth in this leadership model.
Around the same time as my beach conversation my best friend from college visited me. She had recently started attending church again and noted how one pastor’s sermon on the submission passage in Ephesians resonated with her. She said he said that women step into positions of leadership because men aren’t stepping up. The pastor furthermore said women don’t have to lead. It really bothered me at the time and I didn’t know why. All I knew was here was a strong woman saying that she agreed with those words that in my mind totally cut her down.
Now I’m realizing why this bothered me. His words are a positive reframing of an old patriarchal trope: that women are not designed to lead. It made my
blood boil because I know in my spirt I am designed to lead!
Going back to my previous example of leading worship at my church. If I continued to be in that leadership model of deferring to men who led me, I wouldn’t have grown as a leader or human. I know for a fact that if I had stayed on that team I would have always been deferring to him. Now, when I play with him, I confidently make decisions. I don’t usurp his leadership but I definitely step out in my own. I mean, the very confidence I am developing is actually related to the confidence (humility) it takes to question my own beliefs (i.e. write this)!
I started watching this show The Good Place on Netflix and I’m obsessed. There’s this character Chiti who I most idenitify with. Like him I verbally process to reach certain conclusions but usually those conclusions leave me uncertain about more things!
The point is: as I’m thinking about both of these thoughts on feminism. I recognize that often my reaction to men comes out of a place of hurt, fear, and self protection. If I was loved well by men I wouldn’t react so strongly. BUT I also recognize that women are designed for leadership. Look at Debra in the Bible! Look at Proverbs 31. You don’t see a Proverbs 32 where Solomon adds “and she did all these things because her husband wasn’t stepping up.” No, she did them because she was designed to. She did them because she wanted to. People should not use the Bible to tear women away from roles of leadership that they should be in.
The ultimate conclusion is that men and women were designed for partnership with one another. Yet they cannot have this partnership that is fully healthy without first acknowledging what they separately and equally carry. Powerful people are not frightened of powerful people. They do not try to usurp each other’s power. They build on it.
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