I think I’ve struggled as most of us performers and humans do with this insecurity that I’m not good enough. I loved singing. I knew I wanted to do it. But I had to come out of my bedroom in order to be seen and heard. That was scary.
Looking back on these years since I decided to be a performer and actually jumping onto the wild ride of getting there I see so many years of not knowing my worth holding me back.
As a performer you have to be audacious. You have to know that that there is something inside of you that is so unique that it is worth presenting to the world. You can’t copy. You must be an original.
I’m going to go into more depth about this specifically in my relationship to romance in my cabaret (shameless plug) so I won’t share that side of it. But the change began to occur in me interestingly not when I practiced more, not when I went to more expensive classes, or met more agents and casting directors (though all of these certainly didn’t deter from what was happening inside).
I won’t lie and say this happened all at once either. I think in life most lessons we learn are subconscious and come in cycles until we fully get it. So I certainly couldn’t write the how-to confidence Manuel for performers. This process has taken years.
There are a couple moments though that I can point to that have helped me on this journey. The first was the experience of sort of losing my way to find it again. Being so NOT myself showed me how much I actually liked and missed the version of me I had spent my whole life hiding from.
It happened when I hit rock bottom. I am a naturally happy person and also love to please people. Depression took me to this place of apathy where I didn’t care what people thought of me. The best way I can think to describe this experience was like I looked at people’s reactions to me separate from myself. Removed from my emotions about myself I saw myself from the perspective of the audience, the agents, the casting directors, and my friends.
I discovered that instead of judging me, they were cheering me on. Instead of comparing me they were composing me. However I had defined myself was all that they could see. I wouldn’t cast me either! I lacked all confidence because I didn’t like myself. Strangely though when I was raw- completely unashamed of who I was because of depression- I was the most captivating.
The other was last year when I was in the process of discovering myself and rebuilding, I started to see myself through the eyes of the One who loves me most. I was totally outside of my normal routine at a school in the middle of nowhere learning about Jesus and songwriting. I fell in love with this man Jesus again.
I so fully fell in love with him that I fell in love with the people he loved. I no longer was angry or frustrated with Christian men as I had been for a long time. I was no longer angry and frustrated at myself as I had been for a long time. I was complete. I was whole. Lacking in nothing.
This is an ongoing process. I feel like this is the journey of self-discovery I am always on! It wouldn’t be life if you weren’t discovering more of who you are and who you were meant to be. But you are only a nightmare to yourself if you hide from you. Open up. Let others see your true colors. I promise it’s not as scary as you thought. The rewards are beyond measure. Only then can you find your dream you.
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