Recently I have become obsessed with the TV show Atlanta. The main character was written admittedly as an anti-hero. He’s a father who is homeless and doesn’t have a steady job. He’s sort of in relationship with the child’s mother but they are both not fully committed (even though she’s in love with him). The reason is because he always does just enough to get by. He will notice she’s upset and take her to dinner but then leave to go be somewhere else. It is not surprising to me that her response to his behavior is, “I hate you. But you’re a great father.” She doesn’t feel like she’s safe with him.
In dating and learning how to set healthy emotional boundaries with members of the opposite sex I have learned a few things about myself and healthy ways of opening up. There are 3 ways I’ve been related to by men who are attempting connection. I’ll describe them as guy 1, guy 2, and guy 3.
Guy 1: asks a ton of questions, often too personal, creating an unsafe environment because I’m suddenly defensive. I’ve been asked to open up all at once and maybe I don’t want to.
I call this method the “beat down the door method.” It actually reminds me of feeling forced to do things physically. Don’t require more from the relationship than she is willing yet to give.
Guy 2: doesn’t say anything. He assumes I will open up on my own. This may have more to do with my over transparency that I am working on.
The problem with this is that women are actually designed to be responders. If a guy isn’t initiating than women start to feel uncared for.
The guy may be thinking, “Whew I don’t have to do anything. Nothing is required of me. No risk needed.”
But that will ultimately ruin the relationship from the beginning.
Guy 3: isn’t forceful. Isn’t apathetic. But asks one, pointed question that is open ended so I have the option to divulge only what I feel comfortable divulging.
A) he shows he cares about what I’m feeling that is unique to me
B) it’s appropriate care though to the level of our emotional intimacy
C) it’s not forceful at all but a gentle invitation into deeper connection
If you’re wondering which guy I want to continue to pursue connection with, it’s definitely Guy 3.
I do not say this to point fingers. I realize this is in many ways I am at fault here. We are all learning! If you’re guy number 1 and 2 there’s definitely hope of becoming guy number 3. I’m only sharing this because I’ve noticed a tendency in men to run away from engaging with emotions because it’s scary or jump in and try to untangle the mess they think they see before the appetizer is served. It’s so important if you want to be in relationship to engage with women’s emotions in ways that will ultimately benefit both you and her.
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