My Poetry Debut

You’re Kidding

“Come up here,” they say. 

2 hands outstretched, they won’t go away.

“I can’t.  I’ll stay here.”

Panting, whining, moaning, with fear.

Eyes rove spastically.

“Go on without me!” I say dramatically.

Not a chance they will.

The choice is mine to come up still.

Where’s the Lifeguard?

You know

The road you drew

Looks like a river

Who’s current will

Sweep me away

I hesitate

I dip my toe in

I throw off my clothes

And abandon myself

To the waters

At first the water is icy cold

My skin tingles

I can’t breathe

I come up for breath

Flailing as though I will drown

Looking for land

But then the movement

Warms me

As soon as I let go

And swim with the current

I am at peace

Still, I don’t know where

It is taking me

Yet I move with it

I glide smoothly as though

Down a slide

I playfully splash at

Onlookers on the shore

“This is fun!” I scream

Then I dive under again

Suddenly warm yet tingly

With exhaustion

I’m a fish

Well, almost

Learning to swim

I’m at least in the current

Tea and Scones

(I wrote this in August.  I am just now posting it in honor of Josh Carr.)

            The art form of dunking biscuits into tea (a very British activity): “the trick is to snatch it out right before it disintegrates.” When I sat down to write I remembered this quote from Judi Dench in The Best Marigold Hotel.  How many of us knew this before we read it or saw it?  Wise words from someone who’s culture is different than ours.

            For someone who doesn’t hear a lot about other cultures, I’ve learned quite a bit about other cultures and myself in the last few weeks, even days.  I grew up with a mother who loved throwing tea parties, collecting tea sets, and making homemade scones and Devonshire crème.  I, in turn, adore these things and would call myself somewhat of a scone snob.

            When I went home I talked with my friend Katy and she mentioned how her friend (not from the States) would make these elaborate scones.  As she told it, he would pronounce them “scons.”  She said, “Here we are, starving missionaries and he’s making these ‘scons’ with rare ingredients imported from all these different countries!”  Apparently there’s a whole other level of scone snob I was not aware of.

            Then, yesterday, I happen to run into my friends who were leaving church one afternoon with my Irish friend Josh.  For what, you may ask?  Nothing other than tea and scones, something he says he can’t live without.  Naturally my mind is blown by all the connections being made.  Naturally he also pronounces them “scons.”

            Notice how similar all these stories are from different families to different countries all together.  How much do we really have in common?

            Then, while I was in California, I met a guy from Finland.  I learned about the sports they play (including the popular wife carrying contest).  They are, and I should have known this, obsessed with ice hockey.  When I said I loved in Orange County my friend Mika was all, “Mighty Ducks!”

            My friends, there are so many cultures out there.  The diversity is so beautiful and it’s so meaningful to sit and just listen to someone else talk about their life for a while.  When I lived in the Dominican Republic I was constantly reminded of how ethno-centric Americans are.  It was so bad that when I came home I was not a fan of America.  Though I now love America, I think there is something to be said about us being a bit consumed with ourselves.

            I know I’m guilty of it!  I think maybe I’m just afraid sometimes that I’ll look stupid if I ask questions.  It is scary to talk about things you don’t know anything about sometimes.  Yet it is so worthwhile. 

            Even yesterday, I got to listen to Christian Korean rap.  Just spending time with a Korean friend who has just recently been home got me outside of my little American bubble again and taught me listen, taught me to be aware.  Maybe in the future I’ll be on the lookout for ways to learn about other cultures.  Hopefully my experiences these past few months will make me into a person who seeks out different cultures even more.

The Single Blog

          I have yet to meet a girl who doesn’t want to be married.  I’ve been told they’re out there I just have yet to meet them.  I know though that we are all created to love and to be loved.  Sure I have a lot of growing to do so I’m not impatiently banging down the door of Heaven for my perfect match.  At the same time, I know girls who got married when they were 18 and didn’t have the know-how or experience.  Is it one of those waiting things I’ll never understand?  I don’t think so.  What is it, then, about this waiting season, that the Lord is doing in my heart?

            Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t think it’s fully possible to fathom the “whys” of God.  As humans we like to have a checklist and when we’re all done we get rewarded.  But it usually doesn’t work like that.  “So God, if I have x, y, and z in order, you’ll give me a husband?”  God does not operate on our clocks!  

            Remember how Hannah was barren and watched as her husband had children by another woman?  And how the woman laughed at her?  Where’s the justice in that, God?  Yet after much time he opened her womb.  I can’t explain that story to you.  Only Hannah understood in the end how much God loved her that he waited until the exact right moment to give her what she desired.  That being said, here are just a few things I think the Lord has in store for my singleness and time of waiting.

            One thing I think he’s doing is revealing who the guy really is.  Every girl has a desire for a husband.  I am not ashamed to admit that when I was little I was boy crazy.  At the tender age of 4 I had a crush on Curly from Oklahoma.  Some years later, my imaginary friends were imaginary boyfriends.  Yet, did I, back then, really know what I wanted?  Were men real human beings or just imaginary knights in shining armor?  It’s taken some time, but I think I’m beginning to understand what expectations are important to keep and what I need to toss in the unrealistic bin. (Side note: I can’t tell you what yours should and shouldn’t be.  That’s up to you and the Lord.  I’m tired of people dictating what others’ expectations should be.  Let it be.)

            Also, without a husband to care for me I’m learning interdependence.  The Lord has been teaching me how to lean on him and trust him for everything I need.  He’s my husband!  I can tell you I’ve definitely enjoyed being independent for a season.  Yet I know I can’t do it alone!  I know He needs to sustain me and bring me a community to surround me and fight the good fight with me.

            Another thing God is doing is creating desire.  Allen Hood told the story of God creating Eve in such a dramatic way, I’ll never forget it.  He played Adam naming all the animals.  Each time he named one, he was looking for his helpmate.  Each time he got more and more frustrated.  “Come on, God, where is she?  Elephant.  Tiger.  Agh!”  My writing does his sermon injustice, his illustration was to show that God waited to in order to create that deep ache in Adam so that when Eve appeared it was so much more amazing.

            Ladies, isn’t it better to stick to God’s timetable?  Don’t we believe that what he has in mind is infinitely better than anything we could ever dream?  Match.com has nothing on the God of the universe who knit you together in your mother’s womb.  He truly wants the best for us!  In all of these things I am learning, I realize that I am already beginning to fill my greatest calling: partnering with the Lord’s heart for my husband.  After marriage we are called to that.  Why not start now?  Why not begin to ask the Lord who this man really is (his hang-ups, his destiny, his dreams)?  Why not allow the Lord to create a deep, holy desire for matrimony in us?  Above all, let the Lord minister to your heart.  You’ll be amazed at the treasures that you find.

Am I really in control here?

         “It’s ok. I’m in control of this relationship.”  I remember telling my friend when he got justly upset at some comments a young man had made towards me.  Yet this is the same thing I said a year earlier when I was in a very similar relationship.  Perhaps a little more guarded this time, I still felt it my missionary duty to continue to be friends with this person.  I thought I was in control and nothing could get out of hand.

            Fast forward, I just got accelerated into a mountaintop season of perspective.  Now I am seeing my life through a different lens.  Even though I grew up in the church and had every reason to seek out good and healthy relationships (and did), I had already settled for two emotionally (actually three) abusive ones.

             I was shocked when I googled emotional abuse to write this blog because I never recognized my feeling of being taken advantage of as such.  My two biggest excuses were “It’s no big deal” and “I’m in control.”  Here’s the worst one: “But he needs me.”  Woah!  I just sang a song from Oliver about that.  Yes, yes I do know something about abuse.

Signs that you’re not in control:

You feel manipulated

You feel like you have been de-valued

You are being ordered around

You feel belittled

            Thank God for community, right?  These are the ones who rallied around me and said, “This is not what’s best for you.”  When one of my guy friends said, “Get out of the relationship.  He is way out of line,” I noted their words and really prayed about them.  However, I analyzed their motives and thought they were being a bit too overprotective.  As stated above, unfortunately these two times I didn’t listen as well as I should have.

            I’m not going to say that I was not wise.  Especially the second time, I think I was very wise in a lot of the ways I handled the friendship.  It was of course under different circumstances.  This time I actually fought back.  I stood up for myself in more ways than I did before.

            However, the wisest thing to do in these situations is to physically GET OUT.  I was so blinded by my missionary love that I took a lot of the abuse.  In this situation God gave me an immense amount of pure, Christ-like love for him.  I therefore concluded that it was my duty to love him into church.  I was blinded by this unconditional love and was unable to see the truth that I needed to leave.

            In this I am learning an important lesson: I am not in control.  Wounding from my past is allowing me to be controlled by other people.  It goes much deeper than people pleasing. (If you want to know the details of these stories, please just ask me in person.)

            Fortunately, there is a God who is really in control and he loves me so much!  Each time I got abused he got fed up and physically removed the threat.  I am always removed from the situation.

            I was really incensed against men who mistreat women before I sat down to write this.  It is not ok for anyone (male or female) to continue to be mistreated in relationships.  There’s a righteous anger coming out of me today as I came face to face with unrighteousness and perversion once again but with new eyes.

            I’m going to make a bold declaration today.  The cycle stops here.  I like to present my readers and myself with an alternate list of signs that you are in control of a healthy relationship.  I found these on a university’s counseling center’s website and I thought they were very insightful:

Basic Rights in a Relationship

•       The right to good will from the other.

•       The right to emotional support.

•       The right to be heard by the other and to be responded to with courtesy.

•       The right to have your own view, even if your partner has a different view.

•       The right to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real.

•       The right to receive a sincere apology for any jokes you may find offensive.

•       The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern what is legitimately your business.

•       The right to live free from accusation and blame.

•       The right to live free from criticism and judgment.

•       The right to have your work and your interests spoken of with respect.

•       The right to encouragement.

•       The right to live free from emotional and physical threat.

•       The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage.

•       The right to be called by no name that devalues you.

•       The right to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.

Friends, lets prayerfully grab a hold of these.  They’re like God’s promises over you.  “I want you be in a relationship that looks like me and my church.  I want my perfect love reflected in you.  You shall behold me as I am holy in pure and holy love.”

Relationship rights taken from this website

http://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu/self-help-brochures/relationship-problems/emotional-abuse/

“Can’t you hear when you go off-key?”

I was a part of a fascinating vocal workshop once upon a blue moon where I heard the instructor challenge one of the students.  I can still hear his shrill voice as he asked the question.  I thought, “Um, no.  She can’t.  Give her a break.  Obviously she’s not a singer.  Just tell her she did ‘ok’ and let her get back to her day job.”  Little did I know, he was actually doing her a favor.

            A few minutes later, he was working with her, making her sing slowly, line by line each painstaking note.  Something magical happened when she did this.  She actually sang on key!

            (Since then I have worked with a few young singers and noticed the same thing.  Most people aren’t tone deaf.  They’ve just allowed themselves to get away with singing wrong just because it’s easier.)

            Now, singing the correct pitches or whatever they’re called is not a problem for me.  So why do I bring this adorable story up?  The answer is that while I was reading my last blog, I heard that line in my head.  Of course, it came out of nowhere but it made complete sense to me.

            I’m not a great writer.  What I mean to say is that writing does not come naturally to me.  Thoughts and how to organize them or emotions and how to make them sound colorful are things that I am good at.  I am horrified by how many grammatical mistakes and plain old bad writing I let myself get away with though.  I realize that the way I write is for writers like singing off key is to singers.  Sure, it could happen even to the best of them.  But they practice painstakingly and edit to make sure that it does not.

            All this to say, after reading my last blog I am convicted that I do not love my writing enough to give it all it demands: to proof read more than once, to make it beautiful and not just adequate.  I want to be an artist and an effective communicator.  I want to sing on key. 

My Thoughts on the movie The Artist

I know what you’re thinking.  I know, I know.  I should have watched the movie ages ago.  The truth is I kept putting it off because I knew I would be a weeping mess.  Guess what?  I was a weeping mess.  It was a good weeping mess though, the kind where you get most of your thinking done.

            The writing was so full of symbolism that I felt like I was in a Shakespearean play.  I love stories with things that mean multiple things.  For example, the writer cleverly chose his hysterical dog to represent the main character.  The dog obviously does not speak and is multiple times overlooked.  However he plays a very important role.  Even the physical proximity of the dog to him in each scene is telling of his emotional state.  When he strokes his dog it is almost as if he is stroking his own ego.

            The artistry of the film itself goes without saying.  Perhaps my favorite scene is when George notices things making noise in his dressing room for the first time and how much it jolts him.  The fact that the scene where he leaves the studio is filmed on a staircase with her above him is just one of the many brilliant shots the cinematographer carefully portrayed.  She was above him, moving up in this fast paced business while he was moving down, on his way out.

            The healthy emotional perspective behind the film goes without saying (but I’ll say it anyway).  The past does need to be let go and sometimes we need to swallow our pride.  However, the past should be recognized as important as it paved the way to the future.

            The most interesting thing to me was George’s tragic flaw.  It was fascinating to watch his downward spiral.  He loved himself but that very love of himself made him loathe himself.  He desperately needed for the world to love him but in this new world he felt like the one-trick pony whose trick was outdated.  He lived as a victim.

            It is definitely true of artists to be so driven by their own egos that they cannot move forward.  This hit home for me.  A friend of mine explained to me that I’m all or nothing.  Either I love myself because I am adored or I hate myself because I am not. 

            George also let his marriage dissolve because he is so focused on himself and his own problems.  Like him, I have the tendency to take people for granted who want to love me because I’m so concerned with being adored by the world.

            At the end of the film I knew that it was aptly named.  This film was not just about one man.  It was not a historical look at the emotional trauma caused by the talkies taking over old film-star’s lives.  It was about the collective artist or, to put it another way, every artist.  How should we react in such a quickly growing field?

            When we get disillusioned, we need to re-invent ourselves.  We need to start thinking creatively again.  We need to start thinking outside of ourselves.  Most importantly we need to do.  Stop living in the past.  Start living now.

Goodbyes

“Goodbye, until tomorrow…for I have been waiting.  I have been waiting for you” (song from my second favorite musical ever about a marriage breaking up for context)

I have a long line of unpublished blogs waiting to surface themselves.  Yet today I decided to write this.

I’m not very good at goodbyes.

I don’t think anyone is.

If you know me, however, you know I’m both sappy and overdramatic.  Thus, saying goodbyes becomes quite a drawn out, hyperbolic process for me.  I find myself almost physically clinging to the person leaving.  (Literally, recently when someone said goodbye to me the first thought that popped into my head in response was “No!” as I hugged them and didn’t want to let go.)

Recently though I’ve learned that some things like people leaving are actually emotional triggers for me.  It goes deeper than my zany actress self.  When I recognized this, it drew me into some soul-searching questions:

When I try to avoid interaction with a person who is leaving, what am I trying to protect?  Is it because I don’t trust that God knows what I need when I need it?  Do I think he’s a hateful God taking everything I love away?  Why did my grandpa have to die?  Why are my cat’s kidneys failing?

I’ve discovered maybe there are some untouched layers of my heart that need healing from past rejection where I may have felt abandoned.  It’s really not the person’s fault they’re leaving.  They are not intentionally trying to hurt me.  Nor is it God trying to take something good away from me. He is, after all, all knowing and has my best interest at heart.

How do I let go of this deep pain?  Well, for starters, I have to forgive people (even for things they didn’t intentionally do.  If my heart holds it against them, I still have to forgive.)  Then I have to reject those lies and accept the truth.  “I reject the lie that I have to protect my heart because God won’t…” etc.

Goodbyes are a part of life.  Goodbyes and how we cope with them actually help shape us.

I’m learning that it’s not about looking at my present condition and feeling sorry for myself.  It’s about rejoicing instead for the other person’s sake.  It’s about watching them go where they were meant to go.  It’s about cherishing memories and looking forward to a bright new future.

There really is an important lesson in David’s prayer, “God, you know my times and seasons.”  I also think the Beatles had it right when they said, “I don’t know why you say goodbye.  I say hello.”  Goodbyes, simply put, can and should be catalysts to a greater good as one chapter closes and another one begins. 

“Eat, Pray, Love”

Skeptical, unsure, and hesitant are all words that I would use to describe the way I came in to watching the movie.  For one thing, Julia Roberts has always bothered me.  For another, I I knew the storyline and was not thrilled to watch another movie about someone finding herself by going to India.  As the story evolved, however, amidst breathtaking views (as all movies should have) of Rome and Bali, I found that “Eat, Pray, Love” devolves topics that others have found challenging with honesty and integrity.

For those of you who have not seen the movie, read the book, or know the story at all, I’ll give you a brief rundown of the plot.  Liz, after a dissolved, emotionless marriage and screwed up relationship, realizes that she is the problem and decides she is going to leave her New York life and spend a year in Italy and then go to India.  The healing or spiritual renewal that she seeks she first finds through food, then friends, then meditation, and, finally, love.

First off, I tip my hat to the screenwriter who chose to not use clichés.  I found his original writing both witty and packed emotional punch.  There were countless times in the movie where I found phrases that he used hit home for me and I thought to myself, “That’s so true!”

Second, I love how the filmmaker (or original writer) used these two ideas: tastelessness and wonder. I wish I owned the movie because I would love to insert a direct quote here from the scene where Liz convinces her best friend (skillfully played by Viola Davis) that she has to go.  Liz blurts out superb lines about how she has become so apathetic to life she literally can’t taste anymore.  Then she goes on to describe how she wants to gaze on something beautiful in wonder again.  The picture painted in the movie of a person devoid of pleasure is both deep and all to true.  Later, the Italians spout off about how Americans work until their exhausted and then spend the weekend sleeping and watching TV because we don’t know how to live a pleasurable life.

Of course, the movie was about wounds and finding healing.  One scene that was powerful for me was the one where her Texan friend takes her to the spot on his roof where he says he tries to forgive.  What one doesn’t expect is this rough around the edges man weeping over losing his family because of his own selfishness.  This is where I think the movie delved so deep into truth: sometimes the hardest person to forgive is yourself.

I also think it was important that the doors to Liz finding healing were through forgiveness. If she hadn’t given the Texan a chance after he insulted her countless times, she never would have found the peace from their friendship that she did.  Similarly, if she hadn’t forgiven the other guy for running her off the road with his car, she never would have started a beautiful relationship with him.

The last theme expounded upon is love.  With Liz, love has sort of evaded her her whole life.  I think this movie is more transparent than most about the struggles we have in relationships to cling to relationships that are not good for us just because we’re scared of the unknown.  The scene where is weeping on the floor, separated from her lover, was so real to me.  The fact that the filmmaker chose to show this image as a flashback while she’s sitting on the floor in Italy is interesting too.  She is continually reminded that she will somehow screw it all up and so she doesn’t want to fall in love.  The realistic, subtle way this is presented cannot fully be expressed by my crude writing.  It all culminates in the last few moments of the movie where we see that fear keeps her from the very love that is supposed to heal her.  The honesty in depicting her struggle with that fear was stimulating to watch.

The addendum to this review on this thought provoking, transparent, and moral movie is my simple question: If this beautifully crafted, inspiring movie about healing was created by people who are still looking for healing, what are the people who have found healing up to these days?  Let me explain.  This movie I like to call secular culture’s version of what we Christians call “inner healing ministry.”  I mean, if you want be crude and simplify the movie, all she did was eat pasta and make friends and then come up with these deep and inspiring thoughts while cleaning out an Indian temple.  Yet even these crude attempts at spelling out healing do the Bible and God more justice than any Christian movie I’ve ever seen.

I would like to reiterate that all of the things that I found beautiful about this movie, all the ways that Liz found healing, are found in God.  God is the source of wonder.  The wonder one feels staring at something greater than them pales in comparison to the wonder we will ultimately feel as we gaze upon the glory of God.  We were meant to gaze upon that.  Furthermore, we were meant for eternal pleasures.  The Bible says, “In your presence is fullness of joy.  At your right hand are pleasures evermore.”

When Liz asks the Texan if he’s forgiven himself yet his response is, “I’m trying.”  That response broke my heart.  I know that with the blood of Jesus we can say, “I have.”  I know that can still sound cheap if you haven’t walked it out yet.  Recently, though, I have been learning a lot about inner healing.  As Holy Spirit has walked me through things I’ve discovered that I actually do have victory.  As soon as I forgive that thing goes away and I don’t have a feel it anymore.  It’s like a weight is lifted from my shoulders.  Jesus Christ gives us the power to forgive.

Finally, the most important truth from the Bible is that “Perfect love casts out fear.”  In my learning about inner healing I’ve discovered that fear is a major sign that something is wrong.  When we fear intimacy that points to a wound from our past that we need healing from.  And, as I said before, we don’t have to live with those wounds!  There’s freedom!

If anyone else can relate to the need for healing than you’re human.  You’re in luck.  There’s a cure.  You don’t even have to eat pasta in Italy to find it.

Why I Love White Christmas

I write this at the Scott's Family Resort—a hotel brimming with history dating back to 1869.  It is also quite scenic as it is nestled right next to the Oquaga Lake in the Catskill Mountains in upstate New York.  Inside its common room where I sit, I am surrounded by antique furniture.  Across from me is a writing desk that has to be from the 20s.  Next to me is a little old baby grand piano.  Naturally I'm inspired to write about one of my all time favorite movie musicals White Christmas.

In the movie White Christmas, if I may refresh your memory, four performers take it upon themselves to help resurrect a dying inn lodged in Vermont.

As I ponder the glory of this simple story I find it’s setting, similar to the one I am in now, has much to do with it.  I love the "old fashioned" splendor of the building.  Who can forget the beautiful performance area strewn with empty dining tables as the dynamite duo sing "sisters."  I'm even more delighted by it in the number "count your blessings" because the cozy corner with the indoor fire pit is certainly delightful.

The primary reason I love the movie is the music.  I think even seeing a musical is foreign in popular culture now much less seeing one at a hotel.  I'm talking old-time entertainment: the real thing!  We're so inundated by the television and, again, are used to visiting hotels in cities with entertainment.  But, to have a live in entertainment in a remote bed and breakfast?--Now that's something uncommon for me to feast my eyes on.

Of course the era’s elegance and charm adds to this but I think there is something to be said for these family owned hotels and resorts.  There are some old fashioned things that I think should continue to thrive.

Why don’t we see these family resorts anymore?

I’m going to venture a guess as to why this might be.  Family resorts of this kind were created for families.  All day long at Scott’s Family Resort they have group activities that the family can do together.  It’s about community!  Unfortunately, nowadays we use vacations often to get away from our families.  Silence and seclusion are what we most look forward to.

I think (and this is just one way to look at it) that when modernity hit we started taking down the façade of happy families and really started to own our issues.  Eventually this turned into not only owning our issues, but also being ok with them, even agreeing with them and, shall I venture to say, celebrating them.  We became ok with divorce.  We became ok with separating from our siblings.  We became ok with isolation.

What am I saying?  These privately owned resorts that are centered on family are disintegrating from lack of interest in what they have to offer.  However, what they have to offer, it seems to me, is a world untouched by modernity.  They are truly places where we can go back in time and experience elegance, music, and family.

The Worst Essay You'll Ever Read (at least it comes from the heart)

         For such a grand theme as humanity and with so many different stories to tell, Cloud Atlas most certainly weaves together a masterpiece of deep thought.  No doubt the author espouses probably a host of his own beliefs about the mysteries he divulges that can be compared to thousands of other religions and themes that they enjoy.  In this particular essay, however, it will be made clear how Cloud Atlas and the Bible both pose the idea that humanity is capable of great evil and good yet are able to do great good because of their belief in a higher power and their ultimate sacrifice.

            An example of evil that the author chooses to divulge in the plot is cannibalism.  In the most distant future storyline, the antagonists are cannibals whose faces are actually stained with the blood of their victims.  They are not hidden but actually eat the flesh of their victims on screen.  In the storyline chronologically before it, the controlling system “recycles” what they call “fabricants.”  The fabricants are human clones, bred in captivity, and living under a false pretense that at some point in their life they will be exalted to something greater.  Yet the great thing that they are exalted to is being killed in order to be ground down into “soap” that the people in charge eat.  Though a more hidden and lie driven form, this too was cannibalism.

            The Biblical picture of the Harlot of Babylon is quite similar.  John, who tells the story in the book of Revelation, says “And I saw the woman, drunk with the blood of the saints, the blood of the martyrs of Jesus” (Rev. 17:6).  She is depicted as a monster literally engorging herself in the blood of the saints.  Again, the author states, “In your streets flowed the blood of the prophets and of God’s holy people
 and the blood of people slaughtered all over the world” (Rev. 18:24 New Living Translation).  The future the author envisions in the Cloud Atlas is not a far cry from the Biblical picture of the future.

            Very telling of the author’s intent is that the shots of cannibalism are interspersed with shots of a slave being whipped and of a dirty governmental scheme that will annihilate humans being covered up in two alternate storylines.  I propose that this actually points a mirror to our faces and forces us to realize what corruption in all forms truly is.  Jesus did this numerous times in the Bible.  In his famous Sermon on the Mount he said, “…everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28).

            Why did the author choose to focus on cannibalism?  The choice is actually well thought through.  Cannibalism is a picture of ultimate degeneration.  When one physically feasts on another it combines the deadliest of sins (greed, lust, and gluttony) in the final destruction of the human form.   It is common knowledge that the ultimate good is to save other humans.  This is seen over and over in politics as we defend one another’s “God given rights.”  Thus, cannibalism is the antithesis of everything that is good.

            The author of Cloud Atlas depicts the earth as degenerating.  Though evil is equally present in all of the storylines, the latter two are the ones with cannibalism being part of the dominating system’s form of controlling.  In the last story even the language and clothes are primal as they live like tribes in huts.  There is a constant threat of the earth’s decay.  The water at one point buries an entire population.  In the last storyline, the earth finally collapses into itself and the last survivors escape to another planet.

            Similarly, the picture of in Revelation is of the destruction of the earth is ultimate.  John notes, “Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more” (Revelation 21:10).  Leading up to this the prophets prophesy judgment on the earth because of her corruption.  Jeremiah cries out, “For thus says the Lord of hosts, ‘Cut down her trees; cast up a siege mount against Jerusalem.  This is the city that must be punished; there is nothing but oppression within her” (Jer 6:6).  There is a direct connection between oppression and destruction.  Cloud Atlas is not far off in her picture from that the Biblical picture of the final destruction of the earth.

            A huge theme that persists throughout each storyline is that of captivity. The fabricants and African slaves are obviously in captivity.  Timothy Cavendish is taken against his will to live in a nursing home.  Robert is trapped psychologically in a blackmail scheme against him.  Less obvious yet more powerful (I think) are the subtle situations that characters find themselves physically trapped in.  Hally Barry’s character is trapped in an elevator and underwater.  Adam is trapped on a ship.  Zachary is trapped in a world that is going to be destroyed. 

            Their ability to escape their bonds is not seen as coincidence yet is given to them through a connection to the Divine.  For who can transcend time but something completely outside of humanity itself?  Dreams and prophecies from the future allow them to transcend time and play with their destinies.  Key in Zachary’s story of escape is the correct use of prophecy from the future.  When he disobeys, he is physically marred and almost killed.

            Through a dream, also, a character hears a song.  Where did the song come from?  I believe it was the song the fabricants were singing in the distant future before they were about to be “exalted.”  This song deeply impacts a character when she listens to it on a record in the future.  Music has the ability to transcend time and space and shape destinies.

            Probably the most powerful and yet most mysterious example of Divine influence is the mark of the star that each main character bears.  They are chosen and why they are chosen is never explained. 

            However, the Bible has much to say on the subject of marks on the body as signs of being chosen.  Paul reminds believes constantly that they are chosen.  He states, “even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world” (Ephesians 1:4).  They are chosen for a great purpose before the world even existed.  In Ezekiel, a man with a writing case was instructed by God, “put a mark on the foreheads of the men who sigh and groan over all the abominations that are committed in it[the city]” (9:4).  Similarly, at the end of all time believers are promised, “They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads” (Revelation 22:4).  Physical marks were representations in the Bible of righteous men devoted to God.  Similarly, Cloud Atlas displays marks as being signs of having a purpose placed on them (whether or not they are aware of it).

            These chosen ones, particularly two women Louisa and Somni-451, are the powerful ones who overcome evil.  They do it by sacrificing everything and telling the entire story.  Louisa is a journalist who finds out about a plot to use a nuclear power plant to destroy mankind.  Her bold search after the truth after she and her contacts are hunted down, ultimately pays off when she stops the scheme from taking place. 

            Somni-451is an escaped fabricant who becomes the poster girl of the revolution against her captors, knowing that she will be re-captured and killed again.  Yet she willingly goes, like a lamb to the slaughter.  Her sacrifice as she boldly stares death in the face is what changes the course of history.

            A key component in their efforts is not only the courage to sacrifice but that they boldly testify to the truth.  Luisa’s job as a journalist is to tell the truth but even she has to psyche herself up to do it when faced with someone who wants to kill her for it.  The power of her storytelling is self-evident though.  Somni-451 tells her story the entire time, including the forced captivity of the fabricants and cannibalism to the archivist.  It ends with a poignant dialogue with the archivist who listened the whole time asking her questions before her execution:

Archivist: If I may ask one last question, You had to know, the whole scheme engineered by Union, would fail.

Somni-451: Of course…This was my destiny

Archivist: What?  To be…executed?

Somni-451: Yes.

Archivist: Why?

Somni-451: If I had remained invisible, the truth would stay hidden.  I couldn’t allow that.

Archivist: And what if no one believes this “truth”?

Somni-451: That can’t happen.

Archivist: Why not?

Somni-451: Because someone already does.

            The main characters fought for truth and justice to the end.   Similarly, the Bible depicts dying for another as the ultimate sacrifice, revealing the heart.  “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13).  Also, the Bible says that future and past martyrs overcome through their blood and through their testimony.  Revelation states, “And they have conquered him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, for they loved not their lives even unto death” (12:11). 

            It is interesting that the author so closely parallels two perspectives: the cynical, world devolving view alongside the glorification of chosen heroes through a higher power.  These themes are similarly and equally paradoxically divulged in the Biblical narrative.  Cannibalism is used as the author’s mirror to humanity and the prophetic vision he casts of ultimate evil taking over and degenerating the earth.  Out of captivity though men and women come out, literally marked by the Divine with prophecy and dreams as further proof of a connection to a greater power.  The author depicts well the rise and fall of humanity over millions and billions of years into great evil and great good placing a fine-tuned microscope to both their failures and their hopeful future accomplishments.

You Are Enough

I feel like I’m on the brink of something beautiful as an artist and as a person.

I’m recognizing my hang-ups and they all center around fear:

1) Singing: I try to control the note instead of just letting it go.

2) Acting: I’ve been afraid of myself.

I mentioned on facebook but I heard myself sing and I was stunned.  I went to my voice teacher and the same thing happened.  Instead of being afraid of hitting the high notes, they just floated on past me.  He said, “You got out of the way.”  When I try to control notes they sound pushed and not pretty.  Yet when I let go and just let myself sing, I can sing so beautifully!

Recently I went to an acting class that was like back-to-the-basics for me.  The instructor said over and over again, “You are enough.”  This was not solidified for me until I went up there to have my performance critiqued and the instructor stripped away all my defenses until I was me, just me up there.  I felt vulnerable.  I felt raw.  I thought, “That must have been terrible to watch.”  Before I said anything the instructor made the audience tell me how the performance was.  I was blown away because they were riveted.

I think these breakthroughs are analogous and related to breakthroughs that I’m trying to walk through in my life in general.

I have a really hard time believing I’m enough.  I know as an artist it’s crucial to come to terms with who I am because I am the person I interpret every character through.  Yet in real life I’m not a huge fan of my hang-ups and personal failures and I see them as a reason for others to reject me so I hide from relationships.  I feel like I’m still trying to make the mantra, “You are enough” true for myself.

The best thing for me is to realize I’m not in control and let go to a God who cares about every detail and he won’t see my destiny shipwrecked.  It’s actually in his job description to carry out my destiny.

When I’m anxious or scared about the way my life is going this usually means I don’t think God will carry out the dreams in my heart.  Then I try to control every situation and micro-manage my life and my plans end up falling through and I get more frustrated.  When I fully let go, give up control, embrace vulnerability, and abide in him, the more ME I can become.

Why I Love My Job

          Honestly, my initial reasoning for wanting to be a nanny was that I needed to make money and I didn’t like the other alternatives.  Quickly after that what developed in my heart was an uncontrollable ache to be near children.  Although I know this ache was Holy Spirit inspired, I think it’s natural for females in their twenties and thirties to feel it.  Why?  Because we were created to be moms.

            At the same time, I have this inexplicable knowledge in the depths of my soul that I was created to be a dramatic artist.  It is at the core of who I am.  I could give you a thousand reasons why this is true but I don’t need to.  I just know it.  This desire to be an artist is another uncontrollable ache.  What I never realized is that, all along, there was a master plan that connects (and will ultimately connect) these two desires so that I am completely fulfilled in the depths of my being.

            I knew I loved children.  I knew I wanted to sew into their lives.  Yet I was not that person growing up that you immediately labeled as a “kid person.”  I did not have the confidence to run up to a child and grab them and twirl them around in their mother’s presence.

            Because of this I was delighted when a mom actually gave me a chance to nanny her two beautiful children.  As I got used to it I realized I was becoming confident that I can do this.  It has also set me on a road of prayer for wisdom like I have never asked for it before.  I may not be super nanny yet but desire for motherhood led me to take practical steps in learning how to love children more and has allowed me to recognize my abilities to do so.

            I also realized that there is a beautiful convergence between artist and “mom” (nanny) that can take place.  When I’m with the four-year-old, Ryan, I get to be artist, collaborator, and co-creator. 

            As we play, he constantly challenges me to create original moments.  The scariest improv game I can think of is when he asks me “what does he say?” about a character (sometimes out of the blue).  This game always keeps me on my toes!  I look at the figurine and have to come up with something that will instantly propel a story forward (or at least make him laugh).

            4-year-olds, I have noticed, have an innate desire for repetition.  At first this frustrated me—how many times are we going to replay the same stinkin’ scenario?!  Yet each time we replayed the moment, I realized I was finding out more details about the story and the character.  I could go deeper with the motivation.  Each time we did it was like a rehearsal for the next one.  I have discovered so much through this exercise of repetition!

            I am learning flexibility.  Sometimes my best offering is just not what Ryan had in mind.  He will tell me adamantly, “No!”  The director has spoken.  Time to try something new.

            I am learning how to make useful moments where I can apply theatre techniques to get what I need to get done in the real world.  When I first started bathing Ryan he refused to let me scrub him with soap.  As we played Star Wars it occurred to me to make Darth Vader afraid of the soap and play out the same scenario, making Vader a cry-baby.  I said, “Look, Darth Vader, Ryan’s not afraid of the soap.”  Ryan was hooked and instantly let me scrub him down.  I was so excited that it actually worked!

            Finally, I am becoming fearless in my creations.  Before I started playing with Ryan I was so concerned that what I had to offer was crazy or silly.  Now I believe I have the ability to say “why not?” and go for it.

            A huge reason why I love my job is that it challenges me to pursue dramatic art even more than I did before I got the job.  It makes me work harder to achieve the goals I’ve set for myself.  I’m motivated to prepare for and go to that audition because, if I don’t, I’ll just be a nanny and I know I was created for more.  As much as I adore these kids, I’m learning to create a life for myself outside the walls of play and pretend.

            I wrote a poem back in KC called “An Artist with a Day Job.”  In it I said, “though tired is never bored.”  I think that describes my life to a T!  I never thought I could so perfectly fulfill my desires in one job before I started being in a nanny.   Not only that but a major theme I see in my learning artistry and learning motherhood is the confidence I am gaining in both areas.  Being a nanny has actually given me more confidence to pursue my dreams wholeheartedly.