You Are Enough

I feel like I’m on the brink of something beautiful as an artist and as a person.

I’m recognizing my hang-ups and they all center around fear:

1) Singing: I try to control the note instead of just letting it go.

2) Acting: I’ve been afraid of myself.

I mentioned on facebook but I heard myself sing and I was stunned.  I went to my voice teacher and the same thing happened.  Instead of being afraid of hitting the high notes, they just floated on past me.  He said, “You got out of the way.”  When I try to control notes they sound pushed and not pretty.  Yet when I let go and just let myself sing, I can sing so beautifully!

Recently I went to an acting class that was like back-to-the-basics for me.  The instructor said over and over again, “You are enough.”  This was not solidified for me until I went up there to have my performance critiqued and the instructor stripped away all my defenses until I was me, just me up there.  I felt vulnerable.  I felt raw.  I thought, “That must have been terrible to watch.”  Before I said anything the instructor made the audience tell me how the performance was.  I was blown away because they were riveted.

I think these breakthroughs are analogous and related to breakthroughs that I’m trying to walk through in my life in general.

I have a really hard time believing I’m enough.  I know as an artist it’s crucial to come to terms with who I am because I am the person I interpret every character through.  Yet in real life I’m not a huge fan of my hang-ups and personal failures and I see them as a reason for others to reject me so I hide from relationships.  I feel like I’m still trying to make the mantra, “You are enough” true for myself.

The best thing for me is to realize I’m not in control and let go to a God who cares about every detail and he won’t see my destiny shipwrecked.  It’s actually in his job description to carry out my destiny.

When I’m anxious or scared about the way my life is going this usually means I don’t think God will carry out the dreams in my heart.  Then I try to control every situation and micro-manage my life and my plans end up falling through and I get more frustrated.  When I fully let go, give up control, embrace vulnerability, and abide in him, the more ME I can become.