I was getting really frustrated with the church at large for
their lack of a healthy dating culture.
Then I was suddenly confronted with my own fears of dating. I kept thinking, “It’s not my problem,
it’s the men who need to get it together.” It was a classic case of looking at the speck in someone
else’s eye and ignoring the life-threatening trauma in my own.
I had been getting multiple nudges from Holy Spirit about
this. It came to a head when I
told my mentor I want to be in a relationship and he told me to join a dating
site. He said, “You’ll learn so
much about yourself.”
My comeback was: “I don’t want to learn about myself. I
already know about myself.”
I did. In my
humble opinion, I thought my 2 months of dating, my break up, and the last guy
I was interested in qualified me for being super secure in what I like and in
my ability to be in a relationship.
And I am certainly secure in who I am. All the while I was unaware of lies mingling under the surface causing me to be stuck in my ways (these I will highlight in italics as they appear). I was all, “I met the guy I want. He doesn’t want me. I’m just gonna sit tight until God
brings me one who actually likes me.”
Sounds a bit like a
victim spirit.
I joined Coffee Meets Bagel out of obedience to my
mentor. I was just going to make a
profile, look at a couple of profiles, and maybe going out with one
person. The more I opened myself
up to opinions on dating and the process of online dating though, the more God
started ministering to my heart in unexpected ways.
What I discovered was these roadblocks in my own heart. When a guy approached me in a way I
wasn’t comfortable with, my knee jerk reaction was first to just be nice to him
and let him continue. Then when it
got unbearable it was to ignore him.
This was the first test in my ability to be honest and set clear
boundaries. Thinking I failed I
wanted to quit the dating scene altogether. “Well, I tried.”
Sounds like a fear of failure.
Then I messaged
a friend who had encouraged me to start and told him what happened. He was quick to push me back into it again.
The next guy was great! But my defenses went up so quick
over one small word he said about his faith. I was instantly catapulted into my past relationships with
guys who just wanted to be with me because I was a good Christian girl and I
made them better. Everything in me
wanted to ghost him at that point.
Sounds like a fear
from past trauma.
What an incredible learning opportunity! I didn’t need to leave the
conversation. I needed to find out
more information. I needed to
investigate the honest truth of this situation. I was comparing this poor guy to my past. I also learned that when I open a door
too quickly I can go back and shut it.
That’s ok too! As long as
I’m honest about what I’m feeling it’s ok.
It’s about the growing process.
I’m not on Coffee Meets Bagel now because I want the attention, or I’m
lonely, or that I’ll even increase the chances of finding a mate, although I’m
thankful that those things come into play. I feel the primary reason for doing it is growth.
This whole season God’s been healing my heart, teaching me
about myself and how to set boundaries.
I don’t have to pour out my heart to people. I can wait for them to make
a move. Conversely, I am free as a
woman to initiate things if I want to.
I always thought that things just happened to me. I’m learning though that setting good
boundaries also means that I can tell people that the way they are relating to
me is not ok with me (I know for some people this may sound rudimentary but
honestly that’s where I’m at). I
used to be afraid of dating because I felt obligated to people.
That doesn’t sound
like loving in TRUTH.
Think about it, you go to school. You learn something.
But if you just have book knowledge and don’t test it out, that stuff
will die. I have an opportunity to
go on an internship with God. I’m
not going to turn that down.
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