The Abundance Conversation

We throw these terms around a lot in the church like “a poverty spirit” or an “orphan mindset” but what do they mean?  They are lumped terms for principles taught countless times in the Scriptures like when Jesus fed the 5,000 and the disciples were looking around for food and only saw the small amount they had, not the abundance God wanted to give.  The poverty spirit essentially means “living as though there is lack.”  An orphan mindset is when we don’t walk as though we are daughters and sons of a great king.

So the abundance conversation began because I sort of (but not to the extent that I normally do) freaked out because my birthday was approaching.  I was sitting on the train thinking about this and then began to ask God why I act like this.

“Why is that every year on my birthday I cannot seem to decide what I want to do and everything has to be perfect?” I queried.  He proceeded to reveal to me that as a child I was taught this.  My parents would get me one huge extravagant gift as well as let me throw these huge parties. My grandfather who was a retired doctor would send us these large sums of money on our birthdays.  “You can have what you want but only on your birthday.”  Great principle, right?  I thought so.  Well, I feel like it’s sort of set me up for failure.

Another example in that vein: As a child when my parents took us kids clothes shopping every season I’d watch my sisters find an abundance of fun and exciting new styles.  I learned from the shake of my mother’s head and her sigh that practical things were best.  So I was the most practical daughter I could be and I was greatly praised for it.

As an adult now I feel shame when I spend money on myself.  I’ve learned to associate shame with buying nice things.  My friends allot money in their budget to nails, hair, spa treatment, make up, clothing, accessories, and perfume.  I do not.  Until last year as an adult I had never bought new clothing (except for jeans when I had to).

Conversely, I talked to my younger sister recently, trying to praise her for her shopping habit.  She instantly responded in shame.  She was taught that these things were bad.  Meanwhile, I wished I had what she had.

It has taken me years to recognize that where my sister and I are at is not healthy.  It’s not what Father God wants for us.  Slowly I have started allowing myself to enjoy spending money on myself.  I started very slowly buying new clothes (on sale at H&M but, hey, I don’t have the income yet).  I started doing my nails more than once a year.  I went to the spa few times.

The test now is: how do I do this throughout the year for myself so that on my birthday I don’t panic and think of all the things I want to do for myself?  This is what I’m learning.  This is my process. 

This year I feel like I did have a major breakthrough for my birthday plans.  Though the details matter they suddenly aren’t the be-all end-all of my existence.  For instance, I know I will probably go to at least one more nice restaurant before I turn 29. So I can pick a restaurant that will comfortably seat more people because people matter more than my perfect ambiance and food.  I didn’t have to see a show or do anything on my birthday because I know that I can do those things not on my birthday and I will be ok.  I had this revelation that I have a father who cares about me that wants to celebrate me everyday.

My biggest revelation in an inner healing session I recently had was that I have needs and God wants to meet those needs.  I mean, that’s huge.  It’s time to let God heal those wounds so that I can live in abundance as a daughter of a king – there’s always more than enough with him.